Agent Nora and the Freaky Bean

Pettulant turned to Nora,
"well you seem the leader of the Quest, so i'll ask you, can I shoot it?
Elthir curled his lip but as he had watched a lot of Errol Flyn on the telly as a kid, he was too much of a gallant gentleman to argue the toss, although he had also watched a lot of D H Lawrence adaptations too, so wasnt adversed to naked sweaty men wrestling in front of a roaring fire.
"No you jolly well cant shoot the poor thing", she said, "have you no pity?"
"OH go on I wanna wanna wanna shoot it letme letme letme!", he bounced up and down like a kid in a sweet shop.
"NO!" said Nora "this could have space time tesseracty repercussions."
"whats a tesseract?, said Pettulant.
"its a box for putting your space balls in", said Elthir knowingly.
Nora frowned, she wasnt convinced, she was sure Halfy had explained it to her in Rivendyke. He had said it was the TARDIS cos it was bigger on the inside. that sounded far more logical.

One of Pettulants friends coughed and gave him a parchment, Petty took it and read by moonlight.
"we need to get back to Laurien quick!" he whispered.
"theres revolution brewing. Eldolas has run amok, threatened to cut down the Mallorn trees to make a Superbowl, he's got a contract with Angmar & sons", theyve got Trolldozers in, ooo the poops hit the fan, this had been brewing for ages, its all my fault, I am stubborn you see, people find this irritating although I dont get it myself". he genuinely didnt get it.
They stumbled back to the cave and went in to find his captains stood around a table looking at a map. They werent actually reading it, but they liked to look busy when the boss was around.

"Right chaps, we are off back to Laurien, feed the cat and be good".
"Yes Pettulant", they all droned. One of them sniffled into his hankie.
"how do we get there?" said Nora, "seeing as its not fixed in time or space"
"oh probably a wormhole thingie, you know?, folding the fabric of reality thus creating a bridge through the space/time continum, or we could walk"
"walkings good", said Elthir, "and those hills are great for a glute workout".
Nora tried hard not to imagine Elthirs glutes.

walkings good

Bloody love this !

They all hoped there wasnt an uproar in Laurien when they got there. They were feeling rather delicate from all the walking. Petty in particular was puffed out, and puffed like a Puffin with a weezy sneeze.
"you should give up smoking" said an irritatingly bouncy Nora.
"and the first two fingers of your left hand are yellow".
Petty stuck them up in Sassenach salute to Froghobbits.
"I'll stick these fingers up your nose lady, if you dont shut it about the smoking" he growled.
"shhhh! said Elthir, "I can hear something coming, and it sounds pissed off".
They heard a crashing through the undergrowth, and grumbling muttering, they couldnt see what it was but it occasionally thundered,
"DELETE, DELETE,.......and.... DELETE.........aha! this too....DELETE!!!!!"
"Crikey" said Nora.
"oh dear" said Elthir
"looks like Bree is fooked" said Petty.

i love it!

They hid in the bushes and let whatever it was pass them, they heard it rumble off into the distance, Elthir motioned for them to follow him and they set off in silence, each with their own thoughts. Elthir was thinking how nice the grey stones he was walking on looked as they shined in the twilight, he wondered if there was a seam of Mica or some other crystal in the local rocks. Nora was wondering if Eldolas was ok, and if he could be persuaded to give up silly football and settle down in some nice flet and write stories with her. Petty wanted a fag.
After a while it got really really dark, they were on the edge of a great forest, and it didnt look friendly. The only light was coming from a dimly glowing white path that cut through the solid wall of trees, it faded into gloom a few feet in, they couldnt see where it led.
"well? shall we risk it?" said Elthir, "I dont see any other way round this forest, it could be 100s of miles long for all I know, and I am weary, we should continue until daybreak and then make camp as we may".
"ok" said Nora,
"Aye" said Pettulant, "I will follow you, even though I am king round here and not you!"

I keep losing it reading through the last few pages to catch up. I love it! Even the Mallorn Super Bowl. Elthir's glutes and "DELETE DELETE DELETE" especially cracked me up.

As they walked through the silent eerie forest they had the distinct feeling of being watched. Their hackles rose, the hair on the back of their necks rose, and Pettys dander rose.
"these chuffin trees give me the willies", said Petty. "theres eyes starin at us".
And there were.
In the darkness there were huge shaggy trees with overhanging branches, most had long trailing mosses and creepers that looked like ragged clothes. They had funny knobbly faces that stared out of the gloom. It was hard to focus on them, once you looked at them they seemed to swim before your eyes. Nora knuckled her eyes, and strained to keep awake. It was getting stuffy and the darkness beat down on them as if it wanted to make them crawl on all fours. Nora would have sunk to the ground and just slept where she landed, but Elthir grabbed her by the waist and half dragged her onwards.
"we must stay awake" he said, "these trees have powerful green magics, I dont trust them".
"well they must respect ME" said Petty, "I am king of Laurien the Golden Wood, and the Mrs is scary when she's on the warpath" he said to the nearest tree, nodding at it, "yeah scary! almost as scary as Gladofiggs when she goes nuclear, which is a LOT" he shouted

Suddenly a glazed look came over Pettys crabbit face, he yawned cavernously, and he felt his legs tremble like jelly, at first he thought it was the skin tight leggings, how they chafed his turnips, he scratched and pulled at the tights, yawned again and sunk down to join Elthir and Nora who were noisily snoring on the ground. It would have gone badly for them. The trees were giggling horridly, their eyes alight with mischevious plans. They bent over the sleeping snorers, their scratchy pokey twiggy fingers preparing to do horrible things, or at least snag a few tights.
From the distance came the sound of capering feet, a jolly song that got closer and closer, louder and louder. If the snorers had been awake they would have heard Chrisbombadillo running down the path towards them, his yellow boots birthing stars and his pointy red hat trailing sunbeams.
"well well my cheeries, what ho!" he sang
"foll de roll me hearties
dont fear those treeses
theyre just old farties
ding a ling me wooden boys
leave those snorers be-o
or i'll whittle you into sex toys
for milady tra la la, ho de ho a dildo"

The trees scuttled into the forest leaving a silvery trail of slime, they were that spooked by Chris.
"wake up sleepy heads, theres no time to dilly dally" said Chris
"I had a weird dream" said Elthir, "I was in a Rugby scrum with this fellows meaty thighs wrapped round my head, his box kept poking me eye, it was frightfully and utterly horrid", he shuddered.
"I dreamed of kittens" said Nora.
"I dreamed I was drunk and I walked into my mates bedroom while he was in bed with his Mrs and peed in his wardrobe" said Petty nonchalantly as if he had done acts of barbarity before.
"erm Chris, dude, can you stop capering" shouted Elthir.
Chris stopped and looked affronted, normally folk loved his whimsical leaping and twirling.
"time and a place" explained Petty.
"we were nearly twiggy fingered to death, BUT IT IS NOT THIS DAY!" thundered Elthir.
"waaaaataguy" cooed Nora, even his stubble was proudly erect, and it looked like he meant buisness.

I think I may have actually done that

I so look forward to reading this !

I don't think I will ever look at Tom -- or Chris -- the same way again.

omfg... what did i just read

Chrisbombadillo was still somewhat disgruntled but as he was a happy chap he showed them the road to take through the forest of Mirkin (as thats where they were). He told them that no matter what, they must stay on the path, or something yucky would get them. They avoided the black squirrel poo that rained down on their heads as best they could, and trudged on in the gloomy gloom. After a while they heard tinkling laughter and little sparkling lights glimmered between the shaggy trees. A tantalizing perfume of roast beef and taters was hovering just about nostril height. Their tummies started to rumble.
"lets go and nick some food from the Elvses" said Nora, "I am starving hungry".
So they did. They had been through so much danger already that a little bit more wouldnt hurt.
They changed their tune once they were banged up in ThrandOrwellians darkest most rat infested most rank dank stinky prison.
"Listen Tauriel!" said Elthir, "Orwie is our friend, he wont be very pleased to hear that you have stripped me naked, taken my Tater Hater, and scoffed at my collection of talking Earwigs".
Tauriel had ordered the strip search, and had instantly fallen head over quiver for Elthirs eclectic taste in Art Deco hair bobbles that he had bought from Claire's Accessories.
"I dont normally fancy Dwarves, but you are utterly scrummy", she simpered, "its a pity Azog is going to use your blowhole as a tea strainer"

"its a pity Azog is going to use your blowhole as a tea strainer"

I think I've hurt myself laughing at that.

Theres so much that made me laugh also, but I did love...
Tauriel had ordered the strip search, and had instantly fallen head over quiver for Elthirs eclectic taste in Art Deco hair bobbles that he had bought from Claire's Accessories.