Ask Mrs Figg

There you go. (Thank goodness - I've been overworked at Our Lady's for some time!)

Deer Mizzas Fugg,

I iz in luv wid uh boobifool laddie, butt sheez murreed ta unudda obpitt, undeed, myne nown Nunkle!!! - cannt num nums tho.

I luves err muchalot.

Shee lubs mee arsewell.

Butt now sheez stayenatome jusnowl corz hur udbin's been rowven wiz ee's eyzez. (Butta nott num nums - bit cloze ta ome, i fink, Mizzuz Fugg!)

Unyowl, wot shood eye doo?

Bivvo Bunksas

No, no no, this is sabotage Janesmith!!! The NotP will have my head. The page is for the paper, not a public free for all with the emphasis on free.!!!!!!

Biffo if you want to ask her to solve a problem pm it to her and it may appear in the paper!!!

The die is cast! (At least this way, we'll know it IS Mrs Figg - not some Pseudo-Mrs Figg. And you know how much I hate that kind of thing!)

Ha the real Mrs Figgs has signed her Pure Publications contract- this sort of thing will not be tolerated- she was promised her own page in Forumshires most prestiges paper- you can't go stealing a classic page from the NotP like this!

Dear Mrs Figg,

I am so glad there is a Real Woman who I can now confide with. (Like Orwell, I don't trust the NotP. Personally, I think they make up most of what they print, with barely a nod and and wink at the Truth in any way).

Anyway, I have been contemplating getting a new tattoo (in a spot that is not already tattoed), but I'm in two minds. Do you think Orwell is the kind of hobbit who would appreciate tattoos in unexpected places?

yours sincerely,
Kafria

I'm warning you lot!! You'll have Bear Muirdock coming himself to sort this out if your not careful!! Knock it off!!

Dear Biffo,
It looks like you are barking up the wrong tree, I would first of all stop barking as it tends to make us ladies drop our lace hankies into puddles and dog excrementus, it also frightens our silly wits and we sometimes wee a bit in our frillies, so stop it. I think this lady is not for you, my advice is to advertize in that nice journal for spinster Ladeez in need of thrilling and fine dining, you are sure to hook a good un.
yours faithfully
Mrs figg

Dear Mrs Figg,

I only have a hypothetical question.

If, say, someone was planning a new section in their newspaper, but someone else stole their thunder in a most brazen way (mainly because they didn't Trust that said newspaper, and because they were a typical smartarsed Ozhobbit) would it be Right - under Customary Forumshire Law - or Wrong?


yours expectantly,
Orwell

Mrs Figg yu are in breach of contract!!!!

Deer Mizzus Fugg,

Wot iv tha woomen youse luvvd wonse likkedit wen youse barrkad lik a duggie? Undeed, got orl ternidon byzit?

Bivvo Bunkses

Dear Pseudo Kafria,
Dear Lady my advice to ladies is always to keep your man surprised, a tattoo is one way, but a tried and tested method I find delightful fun is to watch his cherubic visage contort in shock as you go to his place of work, stand outside his window and moon, having had the foresight to paint eyes on your cheeks.
yours faithfully
Mrs Figg

Dear Mrs Figg,

Thank you so much. I'm off down to the Police Station, and immediately!

Oh happy day!

yours truly
Kafria

sorry Petty these problems were too serious to ignore. can I write for your paper too?

Dear Mrs Figg,

Another, purely hypothetical, question.

What should I do if a Lady hobbit (loosely speaking) was to attend my place of work and promptly expose her tattooed buttocks to all and sundry?

yours urgently,
Orwell

Enough of this!!!! If I say stop this stops. Whose in charge of this place? I demand to see, speak with and maybe eat the Admin around here. This thread is in violation of NotP copyright and will not be tolerated.
Mrs Figg this is not a good way to start your association with NotP, you don't want it to end in the river do you in concrete boots? No, didn't think so. Just play sweet lady.
Where's that Admin?! I demand the removal of this illegal thread!!! And I demand it right now!!! Is that his Tower? Right. Nobody moves, nobody breathes here till I get back and get this stopped.

Dear Mrs. Figg,

Why would a woman of (presumably) sound mind and body willing associate with a degenerate South-Banks from Ozhobbitstan? I ask out of professional curiosity, as I am researching feeble-mindedness in relationships.

Sincerely,

Diamond Banks

Really you should stop this now- you don't want to make an enemy of Bear Muirdock, really you don't.

Dear Mr. Muirdock,

I am the Admin of this Shire, and it is my great pleasure to finally see you after hearing so much about your ferociousness from your employees. I must say, you do not disappoint in the least. If you have a copyright-related grievance, I am afraid it will have to wait until after the election, as one of the duties of the new position of Mayor is to arbitrate copyright disputes. I am confident that you will be patient and not stoop to such low tactics as attempting to manipulate a democratic election in a free society.

dear Orwell,
As to your problem, I would just say it was a mating ritual in Ozzhobbitstan, bit like on Her Majesties ships in the days of Errol Flynn, one cheek for avast, two cheeks for ready to board.
yours faithfully
Mrs figg

Well, well. Small time Admin thinks because he rules a patch he can ride roughshod over powerful billionares who could have him killed on a whim, does he?
Maybe you haven't met my lawyers, Morgul, Guldur, Barad-Dur and sons.
You see Mr Eldo, putting together a paper as popular as NotP is no easy task, even for me, and filling those pages can be an expensive busness. So when I see that business being taken and put out there for free, well it leaves a hole in my newspaper, you understand? And it leaves a hole in my reputation. A reputation I am sure you have heard of, one I intend to keep.
You will be hearing from me Mr Eldo. In time.

Dear Mrs Figg,

I know the times are changing (especially around Forumshire), but what if certain... err hypothetical "Errol Flynnian" inspired buttocks are even now at a particular hypothetical married ( ) hobbit's window!

yours even-more-urgently,
Orwell

That's awful tough talk coming from someone with the user rank of "Newbie", Mr. Muirdock, but perhaps we can come to some sort of arrangement. I assume your kind are familiar with secure encryption spells, are you not?

[[[[[[[[[[So, now that we are safe from prying plebeian ears -- you may notice that I have used no fewer than 10 top-security square brackets for this purpose -- what say you that we make a deal? I have myself already nominated Pretty Tyrant for the position of Mayor; I'm sure you've heard of her. If I can get one of your own into the halls of government here in Forumshire (and I assure you I can), then she can take any action necessary to preserve the strength and position of your paper. In return, I expect generous donations to the Friends of the Administration Fund, as well as for you to direct Pretty to follow my lead on all matters of State and other things. Think it over.]]]]]]]]]]

Dear Mr Orwell,
A gentleman must be ready at all times to fly his colours, poop the mainbrace and shivver the timbers, or if all else fails, offer his quivering white derriere to his beloved on a plate of Mithrill, If the lady is true she will not blanche and swoon.
yours faithfully
Mrs figg

Dear Mizz Diamond,
I was transfixed by the size of your mellons and could not concentrate.
yours faithfully
Mrs Figg