Hitchhikers Guide- an experiment in adaptation.

Yes, it's all quite clear now. I like the line " Rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty." Feels very much like Adams.

{{ Thats because it is Its what Vroomfondle demands when they burst in on Deep Thought- and as I made this connected to those philosophers in the opening by Halgrunt mentioning them by name, I thought it would be amusing if that particular line had become like their Holy mantra since. }}

{{ Oh and I should thank you Halfy for your excellent application of crabbit - was something was bothering you, you voiced your crabbitity at it in a manner which was both clear about the crabbit yet not negative for its own sake, then I saw what was making you crabbit, and that got me crabbit as I was hoping, structurally at least, that it was done so I had to fix it to stop being crabbit about it. Now your not crabbit about it, I'm not crabbit about it, and the thing itself is improved as a result making the world a infinitesimally better place.

Textbook crabbit use that

And while I'm here, individual points aside how do you feel now about the broader experiment of focusing on the plot in chronological order and on the characters and loosing the Guide entries for the sake of the visual medium and above all the pacing?

Same general question to anyone else when they catch up too. }}

I'll always feel the guide is intrinsic, and since I liked it in the film and you didn't there will never be agreement there.

Not entirely sure what you're getting at with putting the plot in chronological order. The original was not that far out of whack in that respect. Only a minor difference.

{{ I mean taking all the flashback stuff, of which there is quite a bit, Trillian leaving with Zaphod, taking the mice, leaving her bag, Arthur and the council meeting (though that's more restored from radio than moved), how Ford behaves at parties, Zaphod's brain examination, parts of the conspiracy etc being put in a narrative that goes from A-to B in a straight line. Whether that works successfully without breaking the flow of the original narrative or not?

you didn't there will never be agreement there.- Halfy

Ah no, perhaps not, but I was hoping you may have softened at least somewhat to the idea having seen how it effects the result.}}

{{ I'm going to continue this, until the end of Restaurant (book) my reasoning being that firstly that the point at which there ceases to be, multiple versions of the material to draw on, after that the only source for adaption are the books- and they've never been adapted save for radio post Adams death. So getting to that point means Ive covered all the major changes, choices and set ups I am going to be doing.
Secondly for anyone reading it here the end of restraunt means completing the main plot of the first two books- the conspiracy Zaphod is part of and the destruction of Earth to prevent the Question and Answer being found. So it wraps it up nicely for folk here. Whilst there are loose ends- Fenchurch etc there is a break in time of several years between restraunt and the next book and the plot is largely a new one tied back to earlier events here and there (such as Fenchurch and the plan to destroy earth) .
And by end of restaurant, as the main plot will be complete, the basic idea of seeing if the story and characters can stand alone without the Guide entries as the framework will also be complete, and a better idea be able to be formed of it works or not.
That's the plan anyway.}}

As to chronological order, I think it works well enough, and probably better than the original for a script format. Adams was more working off the cuff, and in the book I hazard he didn't want to disturb the established flow of things too much.

{{ He got braver for want of a better word as he went on with the books. But Hitchhikers in particular is largely just a copy and paste with the added excellent sublime prose descriptions, of the first four radio episodes with inserted material about the conspiracy etc put into available gaps in the narratives.

A very good example of this is a scene I just adapted, its actually from the end of Hitchikers but I've put at the start of Restaurant, and its a crucial information scene, as well as setting up a great few scenes we never actually get because its all told in simplified brief flashback by Zaphod, so we only get a description of the set up.
And I'm willing to bet you'd be hard pushed to remember it from the books, despite its narrative importance.

In the original radio version on Magrathea, Zaphod, Ford and Trillian get captured in the tunnels- when we next see them is when Arthur is taken to meet the mice and they are all there having a slap up meal.

In the book we get an extra scene after the capture, just before Arthur gets taken to the mice, where Zaphod wakes up on a planet of gold, to only be informed by Trillian and Ford its just a VR catalogue for custom planets. And while they wait to find out their fate Zaphod tells them a story, of when he and Ford were kids and they rigged scooter for deep space, chased and boarded a mega-freighter then using toy guns held it up and demanded all their conkers. The captain took them under his wing for a bit, showed them amazing stuff, then turned them over to the police. That captain went on to become president of the galaxy and shortly before his death came to Zaphod, set up the conspiracy to get Zaphod President and to steal the Heart of Gold.
All that is given in about a page of inserted material into that one gap in the narrative where we dont see Zaphod and co for a bit. Even though its the reveal of how the conspiracy started and one of the major players in it, the former President before Zaphod.

This is absolutely typical of how Adams did things in Hitchhikers and to a similar degree in Restaurant, though there he starts making bigger changes with the order and events and cherry picks things from the radio version whilst ditching entirely the original narrative (the Ludmillia clones, planet of the shoe shops, the Arthur statue throwing the Nutramatic cup (I really want to finds away to get those scene from the radio play in the statue back in- they are among my personal favourites), the giant talking birds etc.).
It works in getting the information to the viewer, but I dont think its how you could do it for tv, where that story is obviously got to be told in scenes.
Same with the earlier Zaphod recounting his head examination to discover his own signature on his brains- that clearly had to be a scene as well I think.
And thats the basic process- picking back out all the little additions and then finding out where they go in the chronology or adding them into the current one as their own scenes. }}

Petty you should send your adaptations to film/TV companies. If I were you I would find out what the next big thing in publishing is, something that really grabs your interest, maybe sci-fi genres, and do a presentation adaptation and post it to literally everyone in the field. Get there before other people do. You have a talent for this and its a difficult thing to do well imo.

{{ Thanks Figg, I appreciate that. I think once Ive done as far as end of restraunt (as its same point the previous BBC version reached) I'm going to bundle it up with a brief summary of the why of it and see what happens. I very much suspect nothing. But no harm in doing it. }}

The blackness of space, faint far stars dimly twinkling in inky unremarkable boring black.

Pan down to reveal the stunning beauty of the Milky Way, the entire glorious spiral spread out beneath a single solitary planet that sits alone high above the galactic plane.

On the planet surface a thunder storm rages along a huge wide swathe of beach, an ocean of immense waves pounds against it and wind blows the blinding rain almost horizontally.

Where beach meets grass scrubland there is a house. Unremarkable but comfortable. Simple but sturdy. Warm, inviting homely light spills from the lower windows and around the frame of the front door.

A distance from it, among the dunes, parting the thunderous clouds with piercing beams of light a flying saucer descends, spider-like legs unfolding beneath it to cushion it gently against the ground.
A hatch opens and a platform lowers from which two distant suited figures appear, on golden scooters.

They cover the short distance to the house and dismounting knock upon the door. One of them is holding a fish.

Voice of the Ruler of the Galaxy from within: Yes, is someone there? I believe I heard a knocking, at least to me it sounded like someone knocking, and assuming that you understand my mode of speech and language sufficiently to comprehend me and sound transfers through air in a similar manner to reach you as it appears to for me, then  please do come in, or not, as you may prefer and assuming a shared concept of inside and out of course.

The two men open the door and enter the warm golden light of the interior. Thunder rolls.

Voice of the Ruler of the Galaxy: Yes, I think he would like that.

There is the distinct sound of a cat meowing.

Voice of the Ruler of the Galaxy: Probably.

Voice of man 1: There might be a problem with Zaphod Beeblebrox.

Lightening flashes and more thunder rolls. The planet spins in space, the Milky Way below it.





Space. A planet with three moons hangs in the mid-ground . Its upper atmosphere and orbit is littered with satellites, stations from small to large, shuttles, taxi's, orbital cars, worker drones, freighters, mega-freighters, miscellaneous space junk, Betelgeuse scout ships and police in their green livery, space warehouses and all the other accumulated chaos of an advanced space faring civilization.

One massive megafreighter is pulling away from the hub of activity and heading out into the blackness of space in preparation for hyperspace.
And following it, weaving crazily between satellites and space junk upon a tri-jet scooter designed for stratospheric work, but jury-rigged for space flight is a 14 year old Zaphod Beeblebrox and a 13 year old Ford, at this time still known as Ix.

On Screen:



Ix: Satellite!

They narrowly doge and avoid a large satellite.

Ix: Zaphod! You're going to get us killed before we even catch up with them.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, I never asked you to come on this trip.
(Head 2): I don't even know why you're here.
(Head) Yeah, why are you here Ix?

Ix: Because Zaphod there are some substantial bets being placed on if you can pull it off at all.

Zaphod (Head 1): And you bet on me? And want to make sure I succeed?

Ix: No, I bet against you and don't want you just swanning off to a party planet somewhere and then coming back with fake proof and claiming you did it, like last time.

Zaphod (Head 2): Hey!

Ix: You do have a reputation for more mouths than actions.

Zaphod: (Head 1): Uncool. Hang on!

Ix: To what?

Zaphod (Head 1): I dunno but you better find something fast. Zowee!

Zaphod deftly but narrowly swerves them between the final layers of space junk into open space. Ahead of them the mega-freighter jumps to hyperspace. On the computer in front of Zaphod the results of its jump and destination come up.

Zaphod (Head 1): Got it! They are heading to Alpha Centauri.

Ix: Are you sure this thing can make it there in one piece? Its not even meant for space flight let alone piggybacking a hyperspace tunnel.

Zaphod (Head 1): It is now!
(Head 2): Besides if it doesn't work we'll instantaneously explode at near light speed spreading us over at least this parsec of space and possibly the next one, so we won't know anything about it, yeah?
(Head 1): So stop worrying and chill out.

Ix: Oh great!

Zaphod fires up the hyperspace jump and space opens before them and sucks them in.

Ix: Zarquon!

Zaphod (both heads): Yeeeeehaaaaaa!






Onboard the megafrieghter. The Bridge.


1st Officer: Captain, we are picking up a strange reading. An object of some sort seems to have got caught up in our hyperspace slipstream.

Vranx: Is it a danger?

1st Officer: Well even if it impacts the deflectors will easily take care of it, its too small to be a ship or to have hyperspace capabilities, probably just some piece of space junk that had broken free of the debris field, got pulled in with us when we jumped.

Vranx: Keep an eye on it just the same.




Outside the Megafrieghter in hyperspace an exhilarated Zaphod and terrified Ix are closing in on it.

Ix: How in Zarquon are we supposed to get aboard that thing? Megafrieghters have some of the best security systems in the cosmos thanks to the pirate raiders.

Zaphod (Head 1): Rubbish chute. Its the least protected area of the hull, its too small for even a one man fighter to get into and it vents plasma.
(Head 2): It's our way in.

Zaphod steers them along the underside of the megafrieghter.

Zaphod (Head 1): When it vents the deflector grid for that section is temporarily disabled, right. Its the only time the defences are down anywhere on the ship when it's in flight.
(Head 2) : Only one snag.

IX: Oh?

Zaphod (head 1): The hatch is sealed except when its dumping or venting.

Ix: So?

Zaphod (Head 1): So it opens 30 seconds before the venting cycle begins, yeah? Then instantly snaps sealed again when its done and the grid comes back on.

Ix: So in other-words we have to go in before it vents?

Zaphod (Head 2): Yeah, that's the snag.

Ix: And once in we have thirty seconds to find a way out or we get crisped? That's your plan?

Zaphod (Head 1): Don't panic Ix, that's why I fitted the booster rockets. Once inside we just kick them in and pow! smash right up the entire refuge system to the bridge like the cool froods we are.
(Head 2): Yeaaah!

Ix: You're insane Zaphod.

Zaphod (Head 1): They'll vent soon as we drop out of hyperspace, that's our chance.

Ix: Yeah our chance to die.

Ahead of them space pinches.

Zaphod: Here we go!

The megafreighter and there scooter pop out of hyperspace and into normal space.
A light bleeps on Zaphod's display.

Zaphod: This is it!

The vent snaps open and Zaphod hammers down the acceleration and sweeps them up and into the narrow piping and darkness, a headlight comes on as metal and pipes and ducts go hurtling by in its glare frighteningly close. Behind Zaphod Ix is staring at a phone like device, it is currently displaying a 30 second countdown. Zaphod hits the boosters and they accelerate screaming in a burst of power.



On the bridge alarms are going off.

Vranx: What on Betelgeuse is going on?

1st Officer: Its that unknown object sir, it appears to have got into one of the plasma vents. It's...it's accelerating upwards through the ships refuse system.

Vranx: What? It can't be a ship. It's impossible. No ship could get in there, its far too small. Where is it heading?

1st Officer: It appears to be heading directly for us sir.

In the vent shafts Zaphod is narrowly defying physics by swinging the scooter down side vents and up pipes, heading ever upwards following the blip on his map that leads him towards the bridge. Behind Ix stares at his screen.

Ix: 10 seconds Zaphod!

Zaphod( Head 1): Nearly there!

On the bridge.

1st Officer: Venting in 8, 7..

Vranx: Who in their right mind would even try a stunt like this? Well, whoever they are we are unlikely to ever find out, they are about to get incinerated.

Back in the vent system the scooter blazes upwards. In the distance ahead now is the very top of the system and the jets for the plasma which are now glowing as they prepare to fire.

Ix:  3, 2, 1!

Zaphod twists the scooter sideways and it smashes straight into the side of the panelling of the tunnel and explodes through it, causing a safety forcefield to snap on over the hole made by their entry. The plasma jets fire down the vent behind them.

One corner wall of the bridge has been blown open and out of the chaos, smoke and snarling sparking electronics debris comes Zaphod and Ix on their now wrecked and smoking scooter. Zaphod clambers off and he is holding what appears to be a kill-o-zap gun.

Vranx: Who in the name of Zarquon are you?

Zaphod (Head 1): I'm Zaphod Beeblebrox baby.

Vranx: Children?!

Zaphod (Head 2): Now, give us all your conkers.

The scene fades, swirls and we see present day Zaphod, just his heads seemingly unconscious, dreaming, restless.

Back in the memory of the bridge.

Vranx:  Well young Zaphod beeblebrox, I am Captain Yooden Vranx, and this is my megafrieghter. And no, you are not having any of my conkers.

Zaphod (Head 2): What?

Vranx: I said no.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, maybe you missed a memo or something Captain Vranx but I just boarded your megafreghter on a stratospheric scooter and..
(Head 2):  ..in case you haven't noticed...
(Head 1):  I am now waving a Kill-o-zap pistol in your face. Yeah?
(Head 2): So I'll ask you again, give me all your conkers.

Vranx: No, you will have to shoot me, Zaphod Beeblebrox. Is that who you are kid? No better than a cold bloodied Dordelis pirate?

Zaphod (Head 1): Look, are you sure you don't want to maybe reconsider the giving us all your conkers bit?

Vranx: No.

Zaphod (Head 2): Um. Sure?

Vranx: Sure. You will have to shoot me.

Ix: Zaphod? What do we do if he doesn't give us them?

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey I dunno Ix, let me think!
(Head 2): I hadn't planned for him saying no, you know.

Vranx: No you hadn't, or you'd have brought a real gun and not a toy one.

Vranx walks forwards and seizes the gun from Zaphod's hand.

Vranx: That was the stupidest, most dangerous, reckless foolhardy stunt I have ever seen. And quite possibly the most daring, audacious, and ingenious too. (He examines the scooter) You jury-rigged this thing yourself for hyperspace? I'm stunned you're both still alive. You must be one hell of an amazing kid Zaphod Beeblebrox. But you also broke my ship. Even if you have just highlighted a major security flaw no one else ever thought of in a rather spectacular and expensive fashion. Take them to the brig. I'll deal with them later.




Current Zaphod frowns and twists his heads then smiles as we see around his  sleeping heads that there is nothing but darkness and twisting trails of moving lights as if he were falling through them.

A montage follows of the captain with Zaphod and Ix, letting them use real guns on the ships shooting range, taking them out on an asteroid miner, visiting exotic planets and aliens as they trade, introducing them to alcohol and gambling and generally having a great time.



Sleeping Zaphod's face contorts, become grimmer, his smiles of nostalgia fading.
A new memory arises, a much older Captain, no longer a captain now but running for President of the Galaxy, and a teenage Zaphod watching his announcement speech before a cheering crowd and the Tri-D cameras floating around him. Zaphod turns and walks away.



More memories, the President at the end of his term, old now, and Zaphod almost the age we know him.

President Vranx : Listen to me Zaphod, the President is a figure-head only. He has no real power but rather the purpose of the presidency is to distract attention away from where the real power resides.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah? And where's that?

President Vranx : I never found out, but there is someone, a single individual from whom all final decisions flow, who makes all the ultimate final choices. Affecting the lives of billions. I could never discover who or where, but I know how you can. Only you can.

Zaphod (Head 1): Why would I want to?
(Head 2): Yeah, what's in it for me?

PresidentVranx : Not everything is about your ego Zaphod, where is the young daring adventurer I once met? The kid who found a way no other had ever thought of to board a megafreighter. I need that daring, that courage and that planning again. I need your sense of reckless adventure Zaphod.

Zaphod (Head 2): Adventure sure, wild things, sure, fame, glory, but this sounds like hard work..
(Head 1):  and precious little in the way of fun or wealth, yeah?

President Vranx: How does stealing the most valuable thing in the universe sound? Fun and wealth enough for you? It will go down as the greatest heist in Galactic history Zaphod.

Zaphod (Head 1): OK, now you have my undivided attention Vranx.

President Vranx: Good. But there is only one way you can pull it off.

Zaphod (Head 1): Ok. What's that?

President Vranx: You have to first become President after me.

Sleeping Zaphod grimaces at the memory.

Zaphod (Head 2): Why in Zarquon would I want that gig?

President Vranx: As President I was privy to certain top secret plans, among them the designs for a new ship which I approved, a ship with a working improbability drive, the Heart of Gold. The most advanced, powerful, expensive ship ever built in the history of the galaxy. And you are going to steal it Zaphod. With it you can find the person who is behind it all, who is really making the decisions. The true Ruler of the Galaxy.

Zaphod (Head 2): Wowweee!
(Head 1): But why do I need to be President to steal a ship?

President Vranx : Because the President will be officially launching it. And that makes the President the last person anyone will expect to steal it. And you will be the only person who will not be required to undergo security checks at the launching. As President you will be already vetted to the highest levels.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, hold on then. If I try to become president with all these tricksy ideas in my mind to steal their ship right, won't they find it out in all the security scans and psychoanalysis stuff they do on your brains soon as you announce you are running?

President Vranx: Yes, and I am afraid Zaphod we are going to have to do something about that.

Sleeping Zaphod squirms some more. We can see now he and the others, likewise in dream states, are falling through blackness and lights.



A dark room of conspirators. Zaphod is there and the President and Zarniwoop with Rooster.

President Vranx: This is Zarniwoop. He will be your contact point once you have stolen the Heart of Gold and have the improbability drive. And this is Rooster.

Zaphod (Head 1): And what do you do?

Rooster: I will be your friend, when you need me to be.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah?
(Head 2): Hoopy!

President Vranx: You will not remember or know why you are doing these things Zaphod, but this memory will be implanted to trigger in your subconscious at the right time.

Zaphod (Head 1): What memory?

President Vranx: A simple one by necessity- Find Zarniwoop. That is all you will have to go on.

Zarniwoop: The improbability field should take care of the details. The improbability figures will also be implanted in your subconscious to be triggered at the appropriate time. And at my end we are nearing completion on the simulation project, ever other department is so caught up on the Mark II they haven't even noticed the enormous cost of it being buried in the figures, it will be in place by the time you have stolen the ship. I will be waiting for you there Zaphod. Good luck.

Zarniwoop nods seriously and solemnity and then leaves the room.

President Vranx: It is time for you to undergo the necessary surgery, soon you will not remember any of this. But you must remember this Zaphod, find Zarniwoop! When the time comes, you're life will depend on it.



Zaphod eyes snap open. He and the others are still falling, but now reality is coming up below them like an approaching floor, which it is, and upon which they find themselves sprawled unharmed.
Zaphod is lying on the cold, smooth hard white floor around him everything is a hazy blur and all we can make out through his eyes are blobby blurry coloured shapes, in the background soft muzak is playing in a distorted fashion.

Waiter (coughing politely): Good evening, madam, gentlemen. Do you have a reservation?

Zaphod stares at the waiter who is at first a green blur that slowly dissolves into a green alien waiter. The others slowly and shakily begin trying to stand.

Zaphod (Head 1): Reservation?

Waiter: Yes, sir.

Ford: Do you need a reservation for the afterlife?

Waiter: Afterlife, sir?

Arthur: Is this the afterlife?

Ford: Well, there's no way we could have survived that blast, is there?

Zaphod (from the floor) (Head 1) : I certainly didn't survive. I was a total goner.
(Head 2) :Wham bang and that was it.

Waiter: If the lady and gentlemen would care to order drinks..

Zaphod (Head 2) : Kerpplow! Splat! Instantaneously zonked into our component molecules.
(Head 1): So here we are, lying dead...

Trillian: Standing.

Zaphod (slowly arising)(Head 1): Yeah. Standing dead in this desolate..

Arthur: 5-Star Restaurant lobby.

Ford: Odd, isn't it?

Trillian: Nice chandeliers.

Zaphod (Head 1): Er, yeah.

Ford: You know, I think we're missing some very important thing here. Somebody said something and we missed it.

Arthur: I said we were in a restaurant lobby.

Ford: Observant but dull. Trillian?

Trillian: I said I liked the chandeliers.

Ford: No, it wasn't that either.

Waiter: Perhaps you would care to discuss the matter over drinks...

Ford: Drinks! That was it! See what you miss if you don't pay attention.

Waiter: Indeed, sir. If the Lady and Gentlemen would care to take drinks before dinner and the Universe will explode later for your pleasure.

Ford: Wow! What sort of drinks do you serve in this place?

Waiter: I think sir has perhaps misunderstood me.

Ford: Oh, I hope not.

Waiter: It is not unusual for our customers to be a little disorientated by the time journey.

Zaphod (Head 1): Time journey?

Arthur: You mean this isn't the afterlife? And we're not dead?

Waiter: Aha, ha. Sir is most most evidently alive, otherwise I would not attempt to serve sir.

Arthur: Oh I get it! Those stacks that exploded, Slartibartfast told me they were time rotors, used for speeding up planet construction.

Ford: That's it then. Instead of blowing us up they must have blown us through time and space instead. But where to? When to?

Zaphod who has been looking about grabs a wine list while no one is looking, on the front it says 'Milliways'

Zaphod (Head 2): Hey, guys I've worked it out.
(Head 1): This must be Milliways!

Waiter: Yes, sir, this is Milliways- the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.

Arthur: What? When did that end?

Waiter: Just shortly, sir. If you would care to place your drinks order...

Ford: Just bring us one of everything.

Waiter:.. and take your table in the main restaurant. Please follow me, this way.



The waiter leads them towards the dining area.

Arthur: Ford, I don't understand all this. How can we have a table? We haven't made a reservation.

Ford: Ah, that's simple. You just book retrospectively when you get back to your own time.

Arthur: What? OK. Well how do we pay? This place does not look cheap.

Ford: Oh it's not, it is in fact mindbogglingly expensive. Think the entire budget of the United States military across its entire history, and that would just about pay for the aperitifs. But that's not a problem.

Arthur: It isn't?

Ford.: No. Because once you go back to your own time you just deposit a penny in the Galactic Central Bank and by the time you've arrived the process of compound interest means the fabulous cost of your meal is already paid for.

Arthur: Ford, that sounds completely impossible.

Ford: Yes. That's why their marketing board came up with the slogan, 'If you've done several impossible things this morning, why not round it off with breakfast at Miliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe.'

The waiter leads them through an ornate archway and into the central domed chamber of the restaurant. The shielded roof is still closed, but the restaurant itself, which is a massive gaudy spectacle of colour, sounds and beings dominates everything. At its centre is a stage on which a band is playing gentle jazz music. The waiter deftly weaves between the hundreds of diners filling the restaurant towards their table.

Zaphod (both heads): Wowweee!

Arthur: Incredible!

Trillain:The people...!

Arthur: The Things...!

Ford: The Things are also people.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey everyone is here, you know.
(Head 2):Everybody who was anybody.

Ford: Hey Zaphod, look, there's an old mate of mine, Hotblack Desiato!

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey did that guy ever make it mega big or what? Bigger than the biggest thing ever..
(Head 2): .. except for me.

Trillian: Who is he? We don't know anyone here.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hotblack Desiato? You never heard of Disaster Area?

Trillian: No.

Ford: The biggest, loudest...

Zaphod (Head 1): Richest..

Ford: ..rock band in the history of, well history itself.

Trillian: No. Never heard of them.

Zaphod (Head 2): Zowee here we are at the end of the universe and you haven't even lived yet.
(Head 1): Boy, did you miss out.

Ford: Did you ever see them live Zaphod? What's that number they do? That really huge one? How does it go? Bwarm! Bwarm! Baderr! something, and in the live act as the song crescendos it ends with a ship crashing into the sun, and they actually do it?

Arthur: What?

Ford: Yeah. Ship! Sun!Wham bang! I mean forget lasers and stuff those guys are into real solar flares and real sunburn.

Zaphod is well know in history and is getting attention, looks, calls and waves, all of which he is shamelessly responding to.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey! Yeah guys.
(Head 2): How did you do?



Waiter: Your table. If you would kindly take your seats and your drinks order will be arriving presently. Ah here they are in fact.

Several trolleys of alcohol arrive and staff begin unloading it onto the tables,. Ford and Zaphod eagerly dive in.

Waiter: Would you like to see the menu, or would you like to meet the Dish of the Day?

Arthur: Meet the what?

Zaphod (Head 1): Sure, that's cool, we'll meet the meat.

The waiter departs. As Ford and Zaphod begin downing their drinks. Trillian pours herself a glass of something and carefully takes in their surroundings. Arthur declines anything, frowning and staring up at the huge closed dome above.

Arthur: Ford.

Ford: Yeah, have you tried this blue stuff Arthur? Its dynamite, quick possibly actual dynamite.

Zaphod (Head 2): Pangalacticgargleblaster?

Ford: Don't mind if I do.

Arthur: But look Ford, surely if the universe is about to end, don't we go with it?

Ford: No, as soon as you come into this dive you get held in this sort of amazing force shielded temporal warp thing. Its like a bubble of Time projected forward across the final moments, rocking back and forth over the last embers of the universe. (He downs his glass). Look, I'll show your. Imagine this napkin, right, as the temporal universe, right? And this spoon as a transductional mode in the matter curve..

Arthur: That was the spoon I was eating with.

Ford (drinking more): OK, then imagine this fork (he tries to take Zaphod's fork)

Zaphod: Hey, would you let go of my fork?

Ford: Fine, forget it. I mean do you even know how the universe kicked off in the first place?

Arthur: Probably not.

Ford: Right, you get a bath, OK? (he drinks some more) and it has to be conical.

Arthur: Why conical? What sort of bath is likely to be conical?

Ford (drinks): Shhh! Its conical. Then you get some fine white sand, or sugar, doesn't really matter. (Drinks some more). And you pour it into the bath and when it's full, you pull the plug out. Are you listening?

Arthur: I'm listening.

Ford (Drinks): You pull the plug out, and it all just twirls away, twirls away you see, out the plughole. (Drinks more).

Arthur: I see.

Ford: No, you don't see, because I haven't got to the clever bit yet. The clever bit is you film it happening. You record it.

Arthur: Clever.

Ford: That's not the clever bit. (takes a huge drink) the clever bit is that you watch the film backwards!

Arthur: Backwards?

Ford: Yes. And everything just spirals back up out of the plughole.

Arthur: And that's how the universe began is it?

Ford: No, but its a marvellous way to relax. (He drains his glass and smiling slips under the table drunk).

Something grunts and moos softly behind them. It is a bovine like animal with six legs and a friendly face. The Dish of the Day.

Dish: Good evening. I am the Main Dish of the Day. May I interest you in parts of my body? Something off the shoulder perhaps, braised in a white wine sauce?

Arthur: Your shoulder?

Dish: But naturally my shoulder, sir, nobody else's is mine to offer.

Zaphod gets up and walks round the animal and starts squeezing its rump.

Dish: My rump is very good sir. I've been exercising it and eating plenty of grain, so there's a lot of good meat there. (It stares at Trillian from two huge peaceful brown eyes with long lashes) Or a casserole of me, perhaps?

Trillian: You mean this animal actually wants us to eat it?

Arthur: It's absolutely horrible! The most revolting thing I've ever heard.

Zaphod(Head 1): What's the problem Earthman?

Arthur: I just don't want to eat an animal that's standing there inviting me to, its heartless.

Zaphod (Head 1): Better than eating an animal that doesn't want to be eaten.

Arthur: That's not the point...all right maybe it is the point. I don't care. I'll just have a green salad.

Dish (nudging Arthur gently and in friendly fashion with its nose): May I encourage you to consider my liver? It must be very rich and tender by now, I've been force feeding myself for months.

Arthur: A green salad.

Dish: A green salad?

Arthur: Are you gong to tell me that I shouldn't have a green salad?

Dish: I know many vegetables that are very clear on that point. Which is why it was decided to cut through the whole tangled problem and breed an animal that actually wanted to be eaten and was capable of saying so, clearly and distinctly. And here I am.

Arthur: Glass of water, please.

Zaphod(Head 2): Look we want to eat, we don't want to make a meal of the issue. Four rare steaks please, and hurry.
(Head 1): We haven't eaten in five hundred and seventy-six thousand years.

Dish: A very wish choice, sir, if I may say so. Very good, I'll just nip off to the kitchens and shoot myself.

The Dish turns slowly to plod back towards the kitchens but pauses to turn its head back to Arthur and wink.

Dish: Don't worry, sir, I'll be very humane.



As their meal arrives, which Arthur pushes away, Trillian eats with a shrug and Ford and Zaphod hungrily tear into, the lights in the restaurant dim and go out, a hush falls filled only with the clinking of cutlery and glasses.
Four huge spotlights high up in the dome pinpoint the stage and a figure in a dazzling suit leaps onto stage to rousing applause.

Max: Thank you! Thank you very much. Thank you so much. Ladies and gentlemen, people and beings and everyone in-between, the Universe as we know it has now been in existence for over one hundred and seventy thousand million billion years and will be ending in a little over half an hour.
So, welcome one and all to Millliways, the Restaurant at the End of the Universe!
I am your host for tonight, Max Quordlepleen and I've just come straight from the other end of time, where I've been hosting a show at the Big Bang Burger Bar- and I will be with you this evening through this historic occasion, the End of History itself!
So, the candles are lit, the band plays softly, and the force-shielded dome above us fades into transparency.

All eyes turn upwards as the immense domed ceiling fades into transparency revealing a dark and sullen sky hung heavy with the ancient light of livid swollen stars. Its a horrendous light. A ghastly light. The light of the end of everything.
The audience stare and gasp in captivated horror.

Arthur: My God!

Max: Soon there will be void. Emptiness. Oblivion. Absolutely nothing....except of course for the sweet trolley, and a fine selection of Aldebaran liqueurs!
I can see that we are in for a fabulous evenings apocalypse! (the band strikes up)
And now I would like to welcome a few parties here on this terminal night, do we have a party of young Conservatives from Sirius B, are they here?

A spotlight spins round to pinpoint a group of dog like creatures yapping nosily and throwing bread rolls at each other.

Max: This is all your fault, you realize that? Only joking. And we have with us tonight, a party of believers, very devout believers, from the Church of the Second Coming of the Great Prophet Zarquon.

The spotlight highlights a group of tables at which robed, solemn aliens sit, looking uncomfortable in the spotlight.

Max: There they are, sitting there, patiently. He said he'd come again, and he's kept you waiting a long time, so let's hope he's hurrying, fellas, because he's only got thirty minutes left!
No, but seriously folks, seriously, though, no offence meant. No, I know we shouldn't make fun of deeply held beliefs, so I think a big hand, tentacle or proboscis, whatever you have to slap together for the Great Prophet Zarquon..

The audience breaks into a  respectful applause of various types.

Max:..wherever he has got to!



At their table in the restaurant. The waiter approaches bearing a tray on which is placed a communications device.

Waiter: Mr Zaphod Beeblebrox?

Zaphod (Head1): Yeah?

Waiter: There is a call for you, sir.

Zaphod (Head 1): For me? Here? Hey, but who knows where I am?
(Head 2): You don't mind if I carry on, do you? (keeps eating)

Trillian: Maybe somebody tipped off the Galactic Police. Everyone saw us come in.

Zaphod (Head 1): You mean they want to arrest me over the comm? Could be. I'm a pretty dangerous dude when I'm cornered.

Ford: Yeah you go to pieces so fast people get hit by the shrapnel.

Zaphod (Head 1): So whose the cat on the call?

Waiter: I am not personally acquainted with the metal gentleman in question, sir

Zaphod (Head 2 between mouthfuls): Metal?

Waiter: But I am informed that he has been awaiting your return for a considerable number of millennia. It seems you left here somewhat precipitately.

Zaphod (Head 1): Left here? Are you being strange? We only just arrived here.

Waiter: Indeed, sir, but before you arrived here sir, I understand that you left here.

Ford: No, wait a minute, where exactly is here?

Waiter: The planet Magrathea, sir.

Zaphod: But we just left there?

Waiter: As I have been informing you, sir.

Arthur: You mean we've been transported in time but not in space?

Zaphod: This is above your level Earthman.

Waiter: No, your monkey has got it right sir. The restaurant was built on top of the ruins of the other.

Zaphod (Head 1): So whose the cat waiting on the other end of the call?

Trillian: Marvin! Whatever happened to Marvin?

Arthur: We left him on the planet surface. But that was...

Ford: Five hundred and seventy-six thousand million years ago.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, hand me the rap-rod, Plate Captain.

Waiter: I beg your pardon, sir?

Zaphod (Head 1): The comm, waiter. Shee, you guys are so unhip its a wonder your bums don't fall off.

Waiter: Indeed, sir.

Zaphod (Head1): Hey, Marvin, is that you? How you doing kid?

Marvin: I think you ought to know I am feeling very depressed.

Zaphod (Head2): It's Marvin.
(Head1): Hey, where can we find you kid?

Marvin: You don't have to pretend to be interested in me, you know. I know I am only a menial robot. 'Open airlock number three Marvin. Can you pick up that piece of paper?' Can I pick up that piece of paper? Here I am brain the size of a planet and they ask me..

Zaphod (Head 1): Marvin..

Marvin: I'm quite used to being humiliated. I can even go stick my head in a bucket of water if you like, I've got one ready.

Zaphod (Head1):: No, no, it's ok (sad metallic bubbling sounds emit from the comm) Where are you?

Marvin: I'm in the carpark.

Zaphod (Head1): The car park? What are you doing there?

Marvin: Parking cars, what else does one do in a car park?

Zaphod(Head1): OK, hang on in there, we'll be right down.
(Head 2 Finishes eating): Come on, lets blow this joint, Marvin's in the car park.

Arthur: What's he doing in the car park?

Zaphod (Head1): Parking cars, what else dum-dum.

Arthur: But what about the end of the universe, we'll miss it?

Zaphod (Head 2): I've seen it, nothing but a gnab gib.

Arthur: A what?

Ford: Opposite of a Big Bang.

Overhead the skies broil and burn as all other eyes are turned upwards in transfixed horror as the group make their way out.

Max: An interesting effect to watch for is in the upper left-hand quadrant of the sky, where if you look very carefully you can see the star system Hastromil boiling away into the ultra-violet. Anyone here from Hastromil? (There a few hesitant worried cheers) Well, it's too late to worry about whether you left the gas on now.




The car park, which is in reality an immense hangar filled with a huge variety of ships in all shapes and sizes stretching off into the distance.
Marvin is here, he has a mop and bucket.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey Marvin, are we pleased to see you kid.

Marvin: No you're not, no one ever is.

Zaphod (Head 2): Suit yourself.

Zaphod and Ford begin wandering off towards the rows of parked ships.

Trillian: No, really we are pleased to see you Marvin, hanging around waiting for us all this time.

Marvin: The first ten million years were the worst and the second ten million years. They were the worst too. The third ten million I didn't enjoy at all. After that I went into a bit of a decline.

Trillian: Well, here we are now..

Marvin: It's the people you meet in this job that really get you down.

Trillian: Is that...

Marvin: The best conversation I had was over forty million years ago.

Trillian: Oh d...

Marvin: And that was with a coffee machine.

Trillian: That's a..

Marvin: You don't like talking to me, do you?




Ford and Zaphod are eyeing up ships further down the hanger.

Ford: Look at this baby, the tangerine star-buggy with the black sun-busters.

Zaphod (Head 2): Wow! Look at this.

Zaphod is standing before a large ship, its over accessorised, garish, flash and expensive.

Zaphod (Head 1): Multi-cluster quark drive, persplex running boards.
(Head 2): Got to be a Lazlar Lyricon custom job.

Ford: I was passed by one of these mothers once, out by the Axel nebula, I was going flat out this thing just strolls by, star drive hardly ticking over. Just incredible.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah?

Ford: Ten seconds later it smashed straight into the third moon of Jaglan Beta. Looks like a fish, moves like a fish, steers like a cow.

Zaphod (Head 2): Come see this Ford.

Before Zaphod is a huge ship in dark colours, emblazoned on its side is the image of a planet, mid-explosion and below it the words Disaster Area.

Ford: This must be Hotblack's ship. Lucky old bugger.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey! That is really bad for the eyes.

Ford: What? Wow.

The ship they are looking at is small, not much larger than a mid size shuttle, but it is pitch black, not dark, not black, not a hint of reflectivity, its pure black, as if it were a ship-shaped hole in reality.

Ford: It's so...black. Light just seems to fall in to it. Your eyes just slide off it.

Zaphod, who has fallen in love with the ship runs a hand over its surface.

Zaphod (Head 1): Ford, come and feel the surface.

Ford reaches out to it.

Fiord: Hey! You can't!

Zaphod(Head 1): See? It's totally frictionless.
(Head 2): This must be one mother of a mover.
(Head 1): So, what do you reckon Ford?

Ford: You mean, stroll off with it? You think we should?

Zaphod(Head 1): No.
(Head 2): Nor do I.

Ford: But we're going to, aren't we.

Zaphod(Head 2): How can we not?
(Head 1): In a moment or so the universe will have ended and all the Captain Creeps will be pouring down here to find their bourge-mobiles.

Ford: How do we get into it?

Zaphod (Head 2): Marvin! Come on over here.
(Head 1): We've got a job for you.

Marvin: I won't enjoy it.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yes you will, there's a whole new life stretching out before you.

Marvin: Oh, not another one.

Zaphod (Head 2): Just shut up and..

Marvin: I suppose you want me to open this spaceship for you?

Zaphod (Head 1): Eh, yes.

Marvin: Well I wish you'd just ask me instead of try to engage my enthusiasm because I haven't got one.

Marvin approaches the door, pulls a small wire from his arm and inserts it into a black panel in the black wall. A black door slides open and Zaphod peers instead and enters with Ford.

Arthur: What's happening?

Ford (from inside): Look at this, look at the interior of this ship.

Trillian shrugs and enters and Arthur enters followed lastly by Marvin.



Inside the ship everything is equally black.

Zaphod: Weirder and weirder. Everything in this ship is completely black.

The door slides shut. Outside a panel lights up next to the ships docking area. On it the words “Automated systems online. Disengaging docking systems.” appear.
The ship lurches as it is turned by huge arms and manoeuvred over a glowing spinning circle of light and darkness, a time tunnel.
Inside the ship the occupants are thrown about.

Arthur: What was that?

As the ship is turned its rear engines are revealed, and on them the logo of Disaster Area. And under it in large letters 'Solar Stunt Ship' 'Warning- automatic pilot only. Do not board.'
The ship is released from its moorings and the occupants scream as it drops down into the time hole and disappears.



Back in the restaurant Max is in full swing as the show and universe reaches its climax.

Max : And now the moment you've all been waiting for! The skies begin to boil! Nature collapses into the screaming void! In a few minutes time, the Universe itself will be at an end! See where the light of infinity breaks in upon us!

The stage is suddenly filled with a bright white light, but not from the spotlights, from outside, the light coalesces into a single beam and then into an aged slightly worried looking old man in a robe.

Followers of Zarquon: Zarquon! Zarquon! He has returned!

Max: I don't believe it! A big hand please for the Great Prophet Zarquon!

Zarquon: Er...hello. Look, I'm terribly sorry I'm a bit late. I've had the most ghastly time, all sorts of things cropping up at the last moment. Er, how are we for time?

Behind him the entire broiling sky twirls and just like water draining down a conical shaped bath's plughole it all swirls away to an accompanying final gurgling sound followed by deafening silence and the universe ends, taking Zarquon with it. Cut to nothing.

Whatever happened to "....a brain the size of a planet..." ?

A couple technical points related to what readers see versus what viewers would see.

1. A role is denoted as Ruler of the Galaxy. So the readers know something the viewers would not, producing a distorted view of the scene. I would disguise this, but make it clear by context of how others act around him that this is no ordinary person. Also, why the storm in this scene? Seems to serve no purpose.

2. Young Ford is denoted as "Ix". The script explains this is young Ford, but the viewers don't get this advantage. I would avoid the name Ix entirely - there's no reason Zaphod has to use any name if he only has one companion to talk to. Using it just confuses viewers in a way that readers are not.

{{ Thanks for reading Halfy.

1. As the script is only meant for the production and actors disguising character names for narrative purposes seemed counter productive. And there's a storm because there is one in the book, no other reason. (I can think of at least 2 other occasions on which there is a storm raging whenever a UFO comes down out of the clouds- I think Adams just liked the image).

2. I can easily lose the one or two references to Ix, though it was introduced previously to the viewer when Ford and Zaphod meet up and Zaphod refers to him as IX only for Ford to correct him with his new name. So it's not out the blue entirely.

Whatever happened to "....a brain the size of a planet..." ?- Halfy

Cut for time. The carpark sequence was already overlong and that line gets an airing elsewhere so I felt it could go in this occasion. Though reading it back through it doesn't seem quite as tight for time as I thought when writing it, so I may pop it back in, its only an extra three or four lines. edit add- decided to restore it.}}

Yeah, there'd be riots among the fandom if that line was cut from Marvin in the carpark.

{{ The phrase does get a few outings overall, but that is one of the first ones, and is the first depending on which version you are reading/listening/watching.
It's first use, I can't remember if this is from the radio (I think it is) or the book version, is when Marvin is sent to retrieve Arthur and Ford upon their arrival and bring them to the bridge.
One version he just says "I've been ordered to take you up to the bridge.' And in the other he adds to that '...here I am brain the size of a planet and they ask me to bring you up to the bridge. Call that job satisfaction, because I don't.'

Now I thought I had used the longer version, but I opted for the shorter one in my adaption as turns out, so my choice to cut this occurrence of the phrase, which was partly made on it not been as necessary as he'd already said it, was an error on my part, as he hasn't in fact said it before. So I would have in fact have cut both instances out by mistake!
So good catch Halfy! }}

The exterior of the stunt ship as it plummets backwards in time, which visually looks like distorted streaking space with a sense of endlessly plummeting downwards, the same as when earlier seen when falling through Time to the Restaurant.

Inside the ship the occupants are clinging onto whatever black coloured bit of the ship is closest. Only dim emergency lighting fills the space of frightened faces. Ford and Zaphod are desperately trying to gain control of the ship.

Trillian: Where are we going?

Zaphod (Head 1): I can't tell.
(Head 2): It's on automatic. Everything's locked out, I think.

Arthur: Basically, what you are trying to say is that we're out of control.

Zaphod: (Head 1) It's the wild colour scheme. Every time I try to operate one of these weird black controls that are labelled in black on a black background, a little black light lights up black to let you know you've done it.
(Head 2): What is this ship? A galactic hyperhearse?

Trillian: Perhaps whoever designed it had eyes that responded to different wavelengths ?

Marvin: Perhaps he was feeling very depressed.

The ship lurches.

Arthur: It's making me space sick.

Ford (who has found a working read out and is frowning at it, it is a series of numbers, falling off): Time sick, we're plummeting backwards through time.

Arthur: Thank you now I think I really am going to be sick.

Zaphod (Head 2): Go ahead we could do with a little colour about the place.

Exterior shot as the ship pops out of time flight and into normal space, before a massive yellow sun around which orbit a huge desert world.




Interior of the ship where everything has fallen silent.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, Ford that sounds good. Have you worked out the controls to this boat?

Ford: No, I just stopped fiddling with them. I reckon we just go wherever this ship is going and get off it fast. Trouble is that the one instrument in this whole thing that is giving any reading is worrying me. If it is what I think it is, and it's saying what I think it's saying, then we've already gone too far back into the past. Maybe as much as two million years before our own time.

Zaphod (Head 2): Time is bunk.

Arthur: I wonder who this ship really belongs to?

Zaphod (Head 1) Me.

Arthur: No, really belongs to.

Zaphod (Head 1): Really me. Look, property is theft right? Therefore theft is property.
(Head 2): Therefore this ship is mine, OK?

Arthur: Tell the ship that.

Zaphod (Both heads): Ship this is your new owner speaking to....

The main lights spark on, several other blinking lights come on and a screen lights up above the main controls showing the nearby sun on it. But at the same time all of them are blown backwards by an immense wall of screeching wailing sound that comes from the screen.

Engineer: OK, channel nine on power. Testing channel fifteen...

There is another wall of painful sound with makes them cover their ears and cry out loudly as Zaphod and Ford try to fight there way forward to the controls..

Engineer 2: Channel fifteen AOK.

Engineer 1: The stuntship is now in position, looking good. Gonna be a great sundive. Stage computer-online.

Engineer 2: Testing channel twelve...

Another wail of sound begins to build up but Ford manages to snap off the sound.

Arthur: What the hell was that?

Trillian: What does sundive mean?

Marvin: It means that the ship is going to dive into the sun. Sun...Dive. What do you expect if you steal Disaster Area's stuntship?

Zaphod (Head 1): What? How do you know that this is Disaster Area's stuntship?

Marvin: Simple. I parked it for them.

Zaphod (Head 2): Then why...didn't...
(Head 1): ..you...tell us!

Marvin: You said you wanted excitement and adventure and really wild things.

Ford who has been fiddling with the main screens controls finds a news channel.

Ford: Hey guys, got something.




Tri-D news broadcast. The reporter is suitably alien and is standing on a desert world. Behind him is the Disaster Area stage, with its speaker stacks the size of skyscrapers either side of it.

Reporter: ...fine weather for the concert here today in the Rudlit desert on the planet of Kakrafoon. And I can just make out the huge audience cowering there on the horizon all around me.
The Belcerebon people of Kakrafoon, who once caused great resentment and insecurity in the galaxy by being one of the most civilised, enlightened, accomplished and above all quiet civilizations, and who were punished for this behaviour which was judged to be offensively self-righteous and provocative with the most cruel of social diseases, telepathy, say the concert is for public health reasons. As one means to temporarily blot out their abilities and give them some reprieve from hearing each others slightest thoughts, is to play host to a Disaster Area concert. Making Kakrafoon one of the only planets on which the band have not been banned.
The Kakrafoon sun meanwhile is shining away overhead and doesn't know what's going to hit it.
The environmentalist lobby do know what's going to hit it, and they claim that the concert will cause earthquakes, tidal waves, hurricanes, irreparable damage to the atmosphere, and all the usual things that environmentalists usually go on about.
A mass rally had been organised in an attempt to prevent the concert taking place but Disaster Area have responded by simply moving the concert back some two million years into Kakrafoon's past as a means to avoid the protestors.
This has led to further outrage from the Campaign for Real Time who have joined the environmentalists in calling the concert reckless and dangerous... and yes, just coming in now in Breaking News, I am being told that a representative of Disaster Area has met with the protestors, and had them all shot, so nothing now lies in the way of the concert going ahead to...



Zaphod switches off the broadcast and the screen returns to displaying the yellow sun, which fills the view.

Zaphod (Head 1): You know what I'm thinking?

Ford: I think so.

Zaphod (Head 2): Tell me what you think I'm thinking?

Ford: I think you're thinking it's time we got off this ship.

Zaphod (Head 1): I think you're right.

Ford: I think you're right.

Zaphod (Head 2): I think so too.

Arthur: How?

Ford: Quiet.

Ford and Zaphod (both heads) together :We're thinking.

Arthur: So this it, we're going to die.

Ford: I wish you'd stop saying that.

Suddenly the ship begins moving with a lurch.

Arthur: Now what?

Ford: We're starting the dive into the sun.

Arthur: What? But the concert hasn't even started yet.

Ford: Its precisely timed, the flares from the sun have to have enough time to reach the planet just at the perfect moment for the climax of the final song. We're going in, now.

Zaphod (Head 1): OK, everyone, search the ship, find something, anything that might help us find a way off this boat. I'm gong to try to talk to the ground crew.

The others begin searching the ship, pulling open compartments, cupboards, Ford and Trillian search the few other compartments.

Exterior shot of the ship as it continues its dive towards the huge sun.



Onboard Zaphod meanwhile manges to get a connection to the ground crew.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey! Hello there guys.

Engineer 1: Eh, hello? Hey, is that someone aboard the stuntship? Over.

Zaphod( Head 1): Um, yeah, hi guys.

Engineer 1: What in the name of Zarquon are you doing there? Over.

Zaphod: Diving towards the sun.
(Head 2): Is there any chance you might be able to do something about that?

Engineer 1: Hey, Baz, you getting this? Some idiots only got themselves onboard the stuntship.

Zaphod (Head1 ): Hey! Do you know who I am?

Engineer 1: That's a negative. Over.

Zaphod (Head 1): I'm only the ex-President of the Galaxy, Zaphod Beebebrox baby.

Engineer 1: Yeah? It's a great honour to have you aboard. Over.

Zaphod (Head 2): Yeah, sure, of course it is, but can you get us off this boat?

Engineer 1: Hear that Baz? It's only bleeding Zaphod Beebelbrox...what? Yeah of course that one, I know, can you believe it?

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, listen, guys, this is kinda urgent.

Engineer 1: Yeah, yeah, sorry, copy that. Negative, the stuntship is fully automated and preprogrammed for sundive, we've got no control over it from down here. You're on your own. Sorry. But on the plus side should be a spectacular concert. Over. Here Baz this'll be one to tell the wife and kids about, they'll never believe me...

Zaphod (Head 1): Hello? Guys?
(Head 2): Zarquon!

The line goes dead. Ford and Trillian come back in.

Zaphod (Head 2): Well, how many escape capsules were there?

Ford: None.

Zaphod: (Head 1): Did you count them,?

Ford: Twice. Did you manage to raise the stage crew?

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah, they said there was a whole lot of nothing they could do about it.

Ford: Maybe we can smash the autopilot up?

Zaphod (Head 1): If you can find it, half this stuff they didn't even finish connecting up.

Ford: No point I suppose on a ship you're going to burn up on its maiden flight.

Arthur is still poking about in the back of the compartment.

Arthur: Incidentally, does teleport mean what I think it does? (the others turn and stare at him)  I'm only bringing it up because it's written on this panel.

Ford: Where?

Arthur: Here, next to this sign saying out of order.

Exterior shot of the plummeting ship and the looming sun. Inside the temperature is steadily rising and everyone is sweating.

Everyone huddles round as Ford rips away the panelling to reveal a teleporter pod. He rummages about in the panel and eventually the pod lights up.
Ford pulls a coin from his pocket and places it in the pod then taking out his subether from his satchel he plugs that into the panel and triggers the mechanism. The coin vanishes.

Ford: Well that much of it works. Probably installed as a job-lot before somebody realised it would never be used and was a waste of money and time, so they just stopped where they were, there's no guidance system fitted. A matter transference beam with no guidance programming could put you, anywhere.

Zaphod glances at the screen on which the sun is very large.

Zaphod (Head 1): Who cares, we go where we go.

Ford: Nah, its not finished, it's not just the guidance system, there is no auto-system either. One of us would have to stay behind and operate it.

There is a long silence while the choices sink in. Then one by one they all turn towards Marvin.

Zaphod (Head 2): Marvin kid, how you doing?

Marvin: Very badly I suspect.

The exterior of the ship as it nears its fatally hot destination.

Inside the ship things are beginning to gently smoke. All four companions are squeezed into the transport pod. Marvin operates it as they, embarrassed, wave him farewell and give apologetic thanks for his sacrifice or try to offer cheery smiles. And then they all vanish. Marvin with a grinding of gears turns to the viewscreen now filled with the sun. Things are beginning to catch fire around him.

Marvin: One might hope for a chance to end it all now in the fiery heart of an exploding sun, but if my suspicions are correct, and they are, and with my luck, then I suspect something very improbable is about to happen.

A moment passes in which alarms blare and smoke billows and nothing happens. Then Marvin slowly starts to fade away.

Marvin: Ah, yes, here we are. I was right, of course. How very improbable. Typical really, more life and just when things were starting to look down too...

Marvin vanishes.

Exterior shot of the ship plummeting into the sun.

Several hours later at the crescendo of Disaster Area's final song the flares from the sun exploding in the sky behind the stage fill the sky, ignite the atmosphere and finally blow everything, stage and all away in a wall of raging fire.



A wide, high  corridor. Arthur is lying on the floor coming back to consciousness and feeling terrible. The corridor has hessian weave on the walls and ribbed green flooring, along the corridor walls, which curve away from Arthur in both directions and curve overhead, are set very deep windows with thick glass through which dim stars can be seen. As Arthur slowly stands up Ford comes hurrying round a corner.

Ford: Arthur! Am I glad to see you.

Arthur: Are you? Where are we?

Ford goes to the nearest window and peers out.

Ford: I think we're in a spaceship of some kind. But judging by the level of technology I've seen this thing should be in a space museum, looks we are still at least two million years before our own time.

Arthur: Trillian? Zaphod?

Ford: Nowhere about. I've looked. They could be anywhere. No reason we would all end up in the same place. An unprogrammed teleport can throw you light-years in any direction. Judging by the way I feel and you look I should think we've travelled a very long way indeed.

Arthur: Do you think they're..

Ford: Dead? Where they are, how they are, there's no way we can know and no way we can do anything about it. Do what I do.

Arthur: What?

Ford: Don't think about it. We ought to try to find out where we are. Come one, let's move.

Ford hurries off and Arthur follows, after a space they come to a door in the corridor, Ford approaches it and it slides open revealing an immense chamber beyond. It appears to be full of silver sarcophagi.

Ford: Wild.

Arthur: What's so wild about dead people?

Ford: Dunno? Let's find out shall we?

They enter the hold and approach the first row of coffins.

Ford: There's a plaque on this one. It says 'Golgafrinchan Ark Fleet, Ship B, Hold Seven, Telephone Sanitizer Second Class- and a number out of five thousand.

Arthur: A telephone sanitizer? A dead telephone sanitizer?

Ford: Best kind.

Arthur: But what's he doing here?

Ford: Not a lot.

Ford checks another random pod.

Ford: This ones a dead hairdresser.

Arthur checks a pod.

Arthur: There's an advertising account executive over here, and, a second-hand car salesman, third class. You know if these just are coffins, why are they kept so cold?

Ford: Or, indeed, why are they kept at all? Why in fact is anyone going to all the trouble and expense to cart five thousand dead bodies through space?

Arthur who is still examining pods now finds a open doorway, beyond is another identical room.

Arthur: Ten thousand. There's another vault through there.

Ford looks about him and spots a large hatch on the floor, he presses a button next to it and it slides open, below them is another identical room.

Ford (whistles): Fifteen thousand.

Number Two: Fifteen million.

Ford: That's a lot. A lot.

Number Two: Turn around slowly and put your hands up. Any other move and I blast you into tiny tiny bits.

A man in a naval style uniform is pointing a gun at them.

Ford: Hello?

Arthur: Why isn't anyone ever pleased to see us?




Ursa Minor Beta. A planet whose weather and climate is basically always California on a particularly nice day between 3pm and 10pm. As a result it is chock full of beach bars, cafes, boardwalks, hotels, endless tourists and the huge H shaped building of the Hitchhikers Guide Offices, two immense skyscrapers joined by a central bridge forming the H shape. It dominates the skyline.

In a cafe nearby Zaphod Beeblebrox sits at a table seemingly unconscious. In his mind he sees the face of Vranx.

Vranx: You must discover who is the true power behind the throne. Who rules the Galaxy. Find Zarniwoop Zaphod. You're life may depend on it. Find Zarniwoop.

Zaphod's eyes snap open. And he stares around himself confused. At a table nearby two young alien hitch-hikers are talking loudly.

Hitch-hiker 1: How can they sit and write a Guide for hitch-hikers in a place like this? Sell outs. I mean look at it! Look at it!

Hitch-hiker 2: They've all gone soft. Worst thing they could have done moving to Ursa Minor Beta. You know what I heard, I heard that Zarniwoop has created a whole electronically synthesized Universe in his office. So he can go research stories during the day and still go to parties in the evening.

Hitch-hiker 1: Total sell out.

Zaphod:(Head 1): Zarniwoop.

He stands up and looks about himself then strides over to the neighbouring table and grabs the Hitch-hiker.

Zaphod (Head 2): OK Zarniwoop!

Hitch-hiker 1: What?

Zaphod: (Head 1) Zarniwoop where is he?

The hitch-hiker points to the looming H shaped building.

Zaphod drops the alien and strides off.

Hitch-hiker: Hey, what do you want with Zarniwoop?

Zaphod (Head 1): No idea, but that cat better have one hell of a reason for why I want to see him so badly.





Exterior of the Hitchhikers building, Zaphod enters the front lobby.

The interior of the Hitchhikers building. The main lobby. The lobby itself reflects the Guides laid back attitude, there are massive inflatables, a swimming pool, an entire section of games cabinets, synth booths and super reality games, stalls for executive massages, stalls selling merchandise with Guide branding everywhere and on everything. Screens blurb about the new editions and the coming Mark II. And the lobby itself is filled with a mixture of species and business types, laid back too cool to work staff on extended lunch breaks, and hitch-hikers shocked to find that the source of a guide popular with space bums, space hippies and  those taking a sideways path through life on a tight budget is a corporate nightmare.
There is also a row of reception desks. The receptionists, who are from a variety of species are kept busy answering a variety of comms. Zaphod approaches the closest free desk which is being ably occupied by an insectoid receptionist, she has soft gossamer wings and eight legs, four of which are answering comms and three of which are operating keyboards or screens of various sorts around her. The final one she keeps free for waving away irritating visitors, like Zaphod.

Receptionist: Hello? Yes? Megadoo Publications, home of the Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, the most totally remarkable Guide in the whole of the known Universe, can I help you?......Yes, I passed your message onto Mr Zarniwoop, but I'm afraid he's too cool to see you right now. He's on an intergalactic cruise....yes, he's in his office, but he's on an intergalactic cruise. Thank you so much for calling.

Zaphod (Head 1): OK where's Zarniwoop?
(Head 2): Get me Zarniwoop.

Receptionist: Excuse me sir? If you would be a little cool about it..

Zaphod (Head 1): Look I'm up to here with cool, OK? I am so amazingly cool you could keep a side of meat in me for a month.
(Head 2): I am so hip I have trouble seeing over my pelvis. Now, will you move it before I blow it?

Receptionist: Well, if you'd let me explain, sir. I'm afraid that isn't possible right now as Mr Zarniwoop is on an intergalactic cruise.

Zaphod(Head 2): Hell!
(Head 1): When's he back?

Receptionist: Back, sir? He's in his office.

Zaphod (Head 1): This cat's on an intergalactic cruise...in his office?
(Head 2): Listen three eyes don't you try to outweird me, I get stranger things than you free with my breakfast cereal.

Receptionist: Well, just who do you think you are, honey? Zaphod Beeblebrox or something?

Zaphod (both heads): Count the heads.

Receptionist: You are Zaphod?

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah but don't shout it out or they'll all want one.

Receptionist: The Zaphod Beeblebrox?

Zaphod (Head 2): No, just a Zaphod Beeblebrox, didn't you hear I come in six-packs?

Receptionist: But, sir, I just saw on the Tri-D that you were dead.

Zaphod (Head 2): Yeah, that's right I just haven't stopped moving yet.
(Head 1): Now. Where do I find Zarniwoop?

Receptionist: His office is on the fifteenth floor, but..

Zaphod (Head 1): But he's on an intergalactic cruise, yeah, yeah, how do I get to him?

Receptionist: The newly installed Sirius Cybernetics Corporation Happy-Vertical People Transporters are in the far corner. But, sir..

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah?

Receptionist: Can I ask you why you want to see Mr Zarniwoop?

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah, I told myself I had to.

Receptionist: Come again, sir?

Zaphod (Head 1): I just materialised out of thin air in one of your cafes, two million years after I was about to crash into the heart of an exploding sun on the other side of the galaxy.
(Head 2): No sooner had I got here than my former self, the one who operated in my brain so I wouldn't know what I was doing or why, popped into my head and let slip one of his, my, old memories telling me, “Go see Zarniwoop.”
(Head 1): I have never heard of the cat.
(Head 2): That is all I know.
(Head 1): That and the fact I've got to find the person who rules the Galaxy.

Receptionist: Mr Beeblebrox, sir, you're so weird you should be in movies.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah, and you, baby, should be in real life.

Zaphod walks away from the desk towards the elevators in the corner of the huge busy lobby. The receptionist stares after them then with a sigh and shake of her wings reaches back to a ringing comm. A metal hand falls on hers.

Marvin: Excuse me.

Receptionist: Yes, can I help you?

Marvin: I doubt it.

Another comm rings.

Receptionist: Well in that case”

More comms ring, lights flash on her desk, messages are pinging up on screens.

Marvin: No one can help me.

Receptionist: Yes, well.

Marvin: Not that anyone has tried of course. I mean where's the percentage in being kind or helpful to a robot if it doesn't have any gratitude circuits?

Receptionist: And you don't have any?

Marvin: I've never had occasion to find out.

Receptionist: Listen, you miserable heap of maladjusted metal..

Marvin: Aren't you going to ask me what I want?

Receptionist: Is it worth it?

Marvin: Is anything?

Receptionist: What..do..you..want?

Marvin: I'm looking for someone.

Receptionist: Who?

Marvin: Zaphod Beeblebrox, he's over there.

Receptionist: Then why did you ask me?

Marvin: I just wanted someone to talk to.

Receptionist: What?

Marvin: Pathetic isn't it.

Marvin turns and grinds away after Zaphod who has stopped to buy a snack from a vending machine on his way to the elevators.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey, Marvin! Am I surprised to see you!
(Head 2): How are you?

Marvin: Oh, fine, if you happen to like being me which personally I don't.

Zaphod (Head 2): Yeah, yeah. Uh, how exactly did you get here?

Marvin: Much as I hate to have to admit it, I don't know. One minute I was facing certain non-existence in the heart of a star, the next I was here faced with yet more existence in this lobby. Worse luck.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah, look, sorry about leaving you behind and all that metal buddy, but hey, you know.

Marvin: I fully appreciate I am just a menial robot.

Zaphod (Head 1): But hey weren't we on the other side of space not to mention also two million years in the past?
(Head 2): Now I may be wrong but that seems one wild trip for a ship's transporter.

Marvin: Yes. Impossible in fact. An improbability field I suspect.

Zaphod (Head 2): How can it be an improbability field you metal maniac when we lost the Heart of Gold?

Marvin: You know it gives me a headache just trying to think down to your level.

Zaphod (Head 1): Ah, abuse.

Marvin: Yes. But I do have a theory, if you're interested.

Zaphod (Head 2): No, not really.

Marvin: I could tell you weren't really interested.

Zaphod resumes approaching the elevators, Marvin follows.
They arrive at the elevator which opens immediately.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey froody, no hanging about.

He steps inside.

Marvin: Its one of the new Sirius Cybernetics Happy-Vertical People Transporters.

Elevator: That's right folks.

Marvin: Its slightly prescient, it can see into the near future.

Zaphod (Head 1): Why does a lift need to see into the future?

Elevator: To ensure I am on the floor you need me before you even know you do. Thus eliminating all that tedious chatting, relaxing and being forced to make friends you organics get so awkward and embarrassed about having to do whilst waiting on elevators.

Zaphod (Head 2): And what else do you do besides talk?

Elevator: I can play a variety of easy listening Muzak.

Zaphod (Head 2) : No!

Elevator: And I can  go up, or down.

Zaphod (Head 2): Good.
(Head 1): We're going up.

Elevator: Or down.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah, OK, up please.

Elevator: Down's very nice.

Zaphod( Head 1): Oh yeah?

Elevator: Super.

Zaphod (Head 2): Good.
(Head 1): Now will you take us up?

Long pause.

Elevator: May I ask if you've considered all the possibilities down might offer?

Zaphod knocks one head against the wall.

Zaphod (Head 1): Holy Zarquon did I ask for an existential elevator? What's the matter with this thing?

Marvin: It doesn't want to go up. I think it's afraid.

Zaphod (Head 1): Afraid? Of what? Heights? An elevator that's afraid of heights?

Elevator: No, of the future.

Zaphod (Head 2): The future?
(Head 1): What does the wretched thing want, a pension scheme?

All around them comes a mechanical rumbling, sticking one head back out the elevator into the lobby Zaphod sees all the other elevators arriving back at ground level, their doors snapping open as they arrive.

Zaphod (Head 2): Marvin, I don't know what is going on here but just get this elevator to go up now, will you?
(Head 1): We've got to get to Zarniwoop.



Trillian comes to in her quarters aboard the Heart of Gold. Emergency lighting is on. It takes her a moment to realise where she is.

Trillian: The Heart of Gold? Zaphod!

She gets up from the bed where she was lying and approaches the door, it remains shut. She presses the door lock but nothing happens.

Trillian: Zaphod! Arthur! Ford! Hey, any of you guys there? Marvin?

She tries the button again.

Trillian: Eddie. Lights. (nothing happens) Eddie unlock the door to my quarters immediately, (nothing) please? (More nothing) Eddie?! (she bangs on the door) Hey! Zaphod? Anyone out there?

The ship seems to lurch to the side and roll and she staggers around the room with it, caught off guard.

Trillian: What the hell is going on?

When the ship steadies again she begins pulling the shelving away from one wall and exposes a panel, grabbing a tool from a drawer she begins to unscrew the panel which leads into the ships air ducts into which she squeezes herself just as the ship rocks again.




The 15th floor of the Hitchhikers building. The exterior of a lift. The doors suddenly snap open and Zaphod and Marvin exit.

Elevator: Fifteenth and remember, I'm only doing this because I like your robot.

The doors snap shut with speed and the lift plummets back down, the floor indicators above the doors showing a very rapid descent indeed.

Zaphod (Head 2): Left in the lurch by a lift.

They are in the middle of a long corridor, to their left are huge windows with frosted glass in them letting in bright light and occasionally ominous shadowy shapes seem to fly by outside. On the other side of the corridor are rows of identical doors. And part way down the corridor the entrance to the connecting roofed bridge between the two 'legs' of the H of the building.
Suddenly there is aloud explosion in the distance and the building shakes.

Zaphod (Head 1): You know something?

Marvin: More than you can possibly imagine.

Zaphod (Head 1): I am dead certain this building shouldn't be shaking.

There is another closer explosion and the building shakes again. In the distance alarms start to blare.

Zaphod (Head 1): Either they've got some vibro system for toning up your muscles while you work...

A shadow passes by the window and then there is almighty explosion that rocks the building this time sending  plaster from the ceiling and cracking a wall.

Zaphod (Head 2):..or this building is being bombed!

A second explosion shatters some of the windows clearing a view, outside the beach fronts and boulevards are a chaotic fiery mes of panic and smoke. Large ugly be weaponed ships fly by in the air blowing things up seemingly randomly.

(Head 2): Who in the galaxy would want to bomb a publishing company?

Suddenly out of one of the doors a man appears waving a towel. He is short, stocky and weather-beaten and his clothes look like they have been twice round the galaxy, with him in them.

Roosta: Beeblebrox, over here!

Zaphod (Head 1): No. Beeblebrox over here! Who are you?

Roosta: A friend!

The man sprints up the shaking corridor as more explosions rattle it.

Zaphod (Head 1): Oh yeah? Anyone's friend in particular...
(Head 2): ..or just generally well-disposed to people?

A massive slug like shape hovers slowly passed the window.

Roosta: The government you deserted is out to get you, Zaphod, they've sent a squadron of Frogstar Fighters.

Suddenly out of the tunnel entrance a large metallic spider shaped robot appears, it scuttles up the wall, scans around itself with a beam of light as Rooster tries to pull Zaphod aside, then the thing scuttles right overhead and down the corridor.

Zaphod (Head 2): What was that?

Roosta: Frogstar Scout robot class A out looking for you.

Zaphod (Head 1) : Hey yeah?

Roosta: Get down!

Roosta pulls Zaphod behind a large water cooler as a second larger spider like thing comes in, does the same as the first only scuttles off in the opposite direction.

Zaphod (Head 1): And that was?

Roosta: A Frogstar Scout Robot Class B out looking for you. Come on, this way.

Rooster begins leading Zaphod further down the corridor as the building is racked with another explosion, sending them sprawling to the ground.
Part of the ceiling collapses on Marvin.

Marvin: Typical.

Just then a third hovering robot appears like a over sized flying screwdriver. It buzzes over them, scans them, then buzzes off again. Zaphod and Rooster slowly get back to their feet.

Zaphod: And what was that?

Roosta: A Frogstar robot class C out looking for you.

He leads Zaphod down the corridor till they are alongside the connecting bridge of the H.

Zaphod: Hey, pretty stupid robots, eh?

He turns his head as immense rumbling comes from the bridge. Looking down it they can see at the far end where it connects to the second tower is an immense tank shaped robot.

Zaphod: Holy photon, what's that?

Roosta: A tank. Frogstar robot scout class D come to get you.

The tank begins rumbling across the connecting tunnel.

Zaphod (Head 2): Should we leave?
(Head 1): I think we should.
(Head 2): Marvin!

Marvin extracts himself from his rubble pile.

Zaphod (Head 1): You see that robot coming towards us?

Marvin looks at the robot, then looks down at his own small metal body and back up at the tank.

Marvin: I suppose you want me to stop it.

Zaphod:(Head 2): Yeah.

Marvin: Whilst you save your skins.

Zaphod (Head 1): Yeah..
(Head 2): ..you get in there kid!

Marvin: Just so long as I know where I stand.

Roosta pulls at one of Zaphod's three arms and drags him away as the tank resolutely rumbles towards them. With a sigh Marvin steps out onto the connecting bridge and approaches it.

Zaphod (Head 1): Where are we going?

Roosta: Zarniwoop's office.

Zaphod (Head 2): Is this any time to keep an appointment?

Roosta: Come on.




On the B Ark ship Ford and Arthur are still being marched along seemingly endless corridors of hessian at gun point.

Arthur: We've been walking for miles it feels like.

Number Two: Prisoners shall be silent!

Ford: We have been walking miles, over two at my count. This ship is immense.

Number Two: I said no talking!!

He nudges Ford with the tip of the gun to keep walking.



On the bridge of the B ark the 1st officer is standing at his command station receiving a message. He takes an ear piece out and turns to the Captain, who we never see. Our view remains restricted with Number One, though when the Captain responds there is, occasionally the soft sound of lapping or splashing water.

Number One: Captain?

Captain: Yes, Number One?

Number One: Just had a report from Number Two.

Captain: Oh dear. What does he want now?

Number One: He was shouting, something or other, about having found some prisoners, he says he is bringing them up to the bridge now.

Captain: Well, perhaps that'll keep him happy for a bit, he's always wanted some.

Number One frowns and we hear the soft tinkling of running water.




The Bridge of the Heart of Gold which is shrouded in blackness. A panel on one of the walls smashes open and from it crawls a cursing, and now very messy looking Trillian.

She makes her way to the main controls only to find that like everything else it is dead. Its then she notices the one source of light falling into the bridge, it is coming through an open door at the rear.
Cautiously she goes towards it, hearing nothing.
Suddenly the ship rocks again throwing her off balance and she has to grasp onto a console to steady herself, pushing on towards the open door and the light spilling from it.

Peering through she sees that the light I coming from the galley. She edges forwards and finds the source of the light is the Nutramatic machine.
It is brightly lit up with a sign saying 'Share and Enjoy!'and sitting on its dispenser is a silver tray, with a silver pot of tea, a silver teaspoon, a china mug on a china saucer, a jug of milk, a sugar bowl and a printed note with the words, “Please, wait.” written on it.




The connecting bridge between the two towers of the Hitchhikers Building.
Marvin stands almost in the centre of the tunnel as the tank looms up towards and over him.
Outside the tunnels window Frogstar fighters are bombing the base of the tower Zaphod is in, and the structure occasionally shakes.

Tank: Out of my way, little robot.

Marvin: I'm afraid that I've been left here to stop you.

A probe extends from the tank for a quick check and scan of Marvin. It withdraws.

Tank: You? Stop me? Go on!

Marvin: No, really I have.

The probe extends again for another look.

Tank: What are you armed with?

Marvin: Guess?

The probe zip up and down Marvin.

Tank: Guess?

Marvin: Yes, go on. You'll never guess.

Tank: Ermmm laser beam?

Marvin shakes his head and sighs.

Tank: No. Too obvious. Ant-matter ray?

Marvin: Far too obvious.

Tank: Yes, er, how about an electron ram?

Marvin: What's that?

Tank: One of these.

From its turret emerges a sharp prong which spits a lethal blaze of light. The tank blows the right side wall out with it.

Marvin: No, not one of those.

Tank: Good though, isn't it?

Marvin: Very good.

Tank: I know, you must have one of those new Xanthic Re-Structron Destabilized Zenon Emitters!

Marvin: Nice, aren't they?

Tank (In awe): That's what you've got?

Marvin: No. You're thinking along the wrong lines. You're failing to take into account something fairly basic in the relationship between people and robots. They left me, an ordinary, menial robot, to stop you, a gigantic heavy-duty battle machine, whilst they ran off to save themselves. What do yo think, they would leave me with?

Tank: Something pretty damn devastating, I should expect.

Marvin: Expect! Oh, yes, expect. I'll tell you what they gave me to protect myself with shall I?

Tank: Yes, all right.

Marvin: Nothing.

The probe blinks astonished at him.

Tank: Nothing?

Marvin: Nothing at all, not an electronic sausage.

Tank: Well, doesn't that just take the biscuit. Nothing?

Marvin: And me, with terrible pain in all the diodes down my left side.

Tank: Makes you spit, doesn't it?

The tank angrily spits out another blast of deadly fire, destroying some more of the bridge wall.

Tank: That makes me so bloody angry! Think'll I'll smash their other wall down.

The turret swivels and blows away the wall on the other side of the tunnel.

Marvin: How do think I feel?

Tank: Just ran off and left you, did they?

Marvin: Yes.

Marvin takes a calculated step backwards.

Tank: I think I'll shoot their bloody ceiling as well.

The tank blasts away the roof above them.

Marvin: That's very impressive.

Marvin takes another precisely calculated step backwards.

Tank: You ain't seen nothing yet, I can take out their ruddy floor too, no trouble!

The turret swivels downwards and blows the floor out under itself, the tank drops away quickly followed by the entire collapsing far side of the tunnel.

Tank: Hell's bells!

Marvin peers down over the edge as the tank smashes to the ground far below and explodes.

Marvin: What a depressingly stupid machine.

He turns and begins trudging back along the remains of the tunnel. But just then huge beams of bluish light seize the half of the building Zaphod is in. The tunnel rocks throwing Marvin sideways and to the ground as massive Frogstar ships seize the building and uproot it from the ground, tractoring it into the sky.
The connecting tunnel breaks at its join even as Marvin tries to scramble upwards along it, it tips downwards, the ground dropping away is now visible through its ruined end.

Marvin: Life. Loathe it or hate it, you can't like it.

The last joining material between departing tower and the tunnel finally give and it plummets away towards the now distant ground, taking Marvin with it.




Roosta and Zaphod enter Zarniwoop's office. The building is shaking violently and engulfed in a blue light.

Roosta: They are taking you to the Frogstar.

Zaphod (Head 1): Oh yeah, well they will have to come and get me first.

Roosta: They already have. Look out the window.

Zaphod goes to the window and looks out.

Zaphod (Head 2): They're taking the ground away!
(Head 1): Where are they taking the ground?

Roosta: They are taking the building, we're airborne.

Zaphod: What have I done to deserve this? I walk into a building and they take it away.

Roosta: It's not what you've done they're worried about, it's what you're going to do.

Zaphod (Head 1): Well don't I get a say in that?

Roosta: You did, years ago. Let me introduce myself, I am Roosta, and this is my towel.

Zaphod (Head 1): Hey Roosta.
(Head 2): Hey towel.
(Head 1): So where's Zarniwoop?

Roosta: He is on an intergalactic cruise.

Zaphod (Head 1): OK, I've had it!

Zaphod pulls a chair upright from the rubble and slumps moodily onto it.

Zaphod (Head 2): Is there any food in here?

Roosta: We are going to the Frogstar,  the most totally evil place in the universe, and you're worried about whether we've got food?

Zaphod (Head 1): Without food I may not make it to the Frogstar.

Roosta: Beeblebrox have you any idea what's going to happen to you on the Frogstar?

Zaphod (Head 2): They're going to feed me?

Roosta: They are going to feed you into the Total  Perspective Vortex, the most savage psychic torture a sentient being can undergo.

Zaphod: (Head 2): So no food, huh?

The Frogstar ships drag the building free of the planets atmosphere and out into open space then the whole lot disappear in a flash into hyperspace.




The Bridge of the B Ark. Ford and Arthur are shoved through the doors onto it and take in their impressive surroundings. A fifty-foot diameter transparent dome covers the bridge through which the stars shine. It is a circular bridge with rows of monitors, computer banks, switches and flashing lights. It in fact looks very much like a 1950's tv spaceship deign of a similar era as that seen on Magrathea.

Arthur: Now this is a spaceship.

Ford: Antique rubbish!

They are led round the chunky entrance door and the centre of the bridge is revealed to them. Directly beneath the centre of the dome is a large, ornate, bath with a man lounging in it, he wears a captains hat and has a yellow rubber duck. Causing Ford to something he really does, blink in astonishment.

Number Two: Captain, sir! I have brought you the prisoners I located in freezer bay seven, sir!

Arthur: Hello.

Captain: Excuse me not getting up, just having a quick bath. Well, jynnana tonnyx all round, then. Look in the fridge, Number One.

Number One: Certainly, sir.

Number Two: Don't you want me interrogate the prisoners sir?

Captain: Oh, if you must, ask them what they want to drink.

Number Two (bellowing): All right, you scum, you vermin. What do you want to drink?

Ford: Well the jynnana tonnyx sounds very nice to me, what about you Arthur?

Arthur: What? Oh, yes.

Number Two (yelling): With ice or without?

Ford: Oh, with please and do you have any of those little biscuits? You know, the cheesy ones?

Number Two (screaming in outrage): Oi! I'm asking the questions!!

Captain: Number Two, push off, there's a good chap. I'm trying to have a relaxing bath.

Number Two: May I remind you, sir that you have now been in that bath for over three years?

Capitan: Well, you need to relax a lot in a job like mine. You're dismissed Number Two.

With a grinding of teeth Number Two goes over stand stiffly at attention at the bridge security station.

Number One (arriving with a drinks tray): Your drinks.

Ford: Ah, thank you. Um, I couldn't help but noticing the bodies. In the hold.

Capitan: Bodies?

Ford: Yes. All those dead telephone sanitizers and account executives, you know, down in the hold.

Capitan: Oh, there not dead. No, no, they're frozen. They are going to be revived.

Arthur: You mean you've got a hold full of frozen hairdressers?

Captain: Oh yes, millions of them. Hairdressers, tired TV producers, insurance salesman, personnel officers, security guards, public relations executives, management consultants, you name it. We're going to colonize another world.

Arthur: With that lot?

Captain: Ah, now don't misunderstand me. We're just one of the ships in the Ark Fleet. We're the 'B' Ark you see. Do help yourself to more drinks.

Ford downs his glass and takes the bottle.

Ford: What is a 'B' Ark.

Captain: This is. Well, what happened you see was our planet, Golgrafinchan was doomed.

Arthur: Doomed?

Captain: Oh yes. So what everyone thought was lets pack the whole population into some giant spaceships and go settle on another planet.

Ford: You mean a less doomed one?

Captain: Yes. So the idea was that into the A ship would go all the brilliant leaders, the scientists, the great artists, you know, all the achievers, and then into the third ship, the 'C' Ark, would go all the people who made things and did things; and into the 'B' Ark..

Number One: That's us.

Captain: ..would go everyone else, the middlemen, you see. And we were sent off first.

Ford and Arthur stare at each other.

Arthur: Er, what exactly was wrong with your planet?

Captain: Oh it was doomed, apparently it was going to crash into the sun.

Number One: Oh? I thought it was that the planet was going to be invaded by twelve-foot piranha bees.

Number Two: That's not what I was told! My commanding officer told me the entire planet was in imminent danger of being eaten by an enormous mutant star goat.

Ford: Oh really?

Arthur: And they made sure they sent you lot off first, did they?

Captain: Oh yes, well, everyone said, very nicely, I thought, that it was very important for morale to feel that they would be arriving on a planet where they could be sure of a good haircut and where the phones were clean.

Ford: I can see that would be very important. And the other ships, they followed on after you, did they?

Captain: Ah. Well funny you should say that because curiously enough we haven't heard a peep out of them since we left five years ago....but they must be behind us somewhere.

Ford: Unless, of course, they have been eaten by the goat.

Captain: Ah yes, the goat. It' a funny thing you know, but now I actually come to tell the story to someone else, does it seem odd to you Number One?

Ford: Well I can see you've plenty to talk about, so thanks for the drinks, and if you could just sort of drop us off at the nearest convenient planet...

Captain: Ah, well, that's a little difficult you see because out trajectory thingie was preset before we left Golgafrinchan, I think party because I am not very good with figures.

Ford: So we're stuck on this ship? When are you meant to reach this planet you're going to be colonising?

Captain: Oh, we're nearly there, any minute now I think. It's probably about time I got out this bath, in fact. Oh, I don't know though, why stop just when I'm enjoying it?

Arthur: So we are actually going to land in a minute?

Ford looks up as the edge of a blue green planet starting to fill the domes view as the ship turns down towards it.

Captain: Well, not so much land, as far as I can remember we were programmed to crash on it.

Ford: Crash?

Captain: Er, yes, it's all part of the plan. There was a terribly good reason for it which I can't quite remember now.

The engines start screeching, the planet that was edging into the domes view overhead is now filling it, flames and fire begin to streak the ship as Arthur and Ford cling on in fear and bath water slops all over the bridge.

Ford: You're a load of useless bloody loonies!

Captain: Ah yes, that was it, that was the reason!

The ship crashes into a primordial forest on the insignificant little blue green planet out in the unfashionable end of the western spiral galaxy.

{{ Mmm, seems I overestimated length and the next episode will in fact wrap up Restaurant and the overall plots of the first two books- the conspiracy to stop the Ultimate Answer being discovered and Zaphod's quest to find out who really runs the galaxy.

But rather than it being two series as I originally envisioned the entire thing will be done in 7 episodes! So a single series in the end. }}

Not much to say about this episode. It's not Adams' best writing, nothing really that clever or funny in it. Pulling the wool over the eyes of the "starship B" population is about as good as it gets.

yay.

It's not Adams' best writing, nothing really that clever or funny in it. - Halfy

{{I think Marvin is the saving grace of this particular section of the story. And Ive always liked his encounter with the tank and the receptionist. And his reply to Zaphod asking how he is feeling- "Oh, fine, if you happen to like being me which personally I don't." - is one of my favourite Marvin one-liners.

The most notable thing about this one from an adaptation point of view is this is where all the changes I set up come into play.
If you remember a while back Halfy you offered some advice to some problems I have having trying to resolve the various versions into one. Well this is the fruit of plucking your advice!

Things play out differently in the book and radio versions.

The radio version is simply devoid of all the conspiracy, ruler stuff and so they just transport off the stunt hip. We get Ford and Arthur crashing in the B Ark and that's where it ends.

The book of Restaurant Adam moved stuff about, he put all the conspiracy stuff in the first half, mainly Zaphod and finding the ruler of the universe and Zarniwoop, and he moved the restaurant stuff to the end. Marvin is last seen on the stunt ship as it plummets into the star after they leave the restaurant in the stunt ship.

I've moved restraunt back to where it was in the radio version, at the start, and cut out entirely the vogon attack on the Heart of Gold (which takes plac ein th ebook after they leave Magrathea) and the seance where Zaphod summons his dead grandfather (also then revealed out of nowhere to have been a conspirator when alive) and who uses ghost powers to send Zaphod and Marvin to the Hitchhikers HQ.

Instead I have used the teleporter on the stunt ship plus improbability field to achieve the same. And I moved Marvin's apparent demise to the bridge on the HH offices so it happens about the same point in the narrative, near the end (he is actually with Zaphod all the way to the Vortex planet in the book as its at the start there).

This ensures that the narrative of the first half with a lot of radio structuring, now seamlessly (I hope) melds with the plot elements taken from the books making one single coherent narrative. Which was a large part of the aim of what I set out to do- tell the books story for the first time in an adaptation. }}

It's long enough that I lost track somewhat of details of the various threads, so can't judge whether it works better than other versions, but it seems to have made sense. I'm looking forward to the total perspective vortex.

{{ The vortex is actually a bit of a bugger to adapt, and I still have not decided exactly how to go about it.
The basic problem is if you tell someone that even looking at something will drive you insane, then if you show them something that doesn't in fact actually drive them insane, it is by its nature anti-climatic.

Same reason I dont think Lovecraft is adaptable. He describes something by telling you it its too horrible to describe without gong mad, so as soon as you turn into a big fishy tentacle monster you can clearly see without going mad, it stops working.

But I do have some ideas for how to portray the Vortex and convey it's horrible scale. }}

{{ Well that scuppers this then- Netflix are making anew Hitchhikers tv series!!! I swear someone is just coming here and nicking my ideas! No sooner do I write a War of the Worlds adaption than they announce one, and now Hitchhikers too!! }}

They'll probably pick Chibbers to run it.