Crabbit Faery Tales and Folk Tales of Forumshire

and picnics.....

and Lance telling us about his trip to Europlandia.......

Not looking good is it

{{{{{{{ELDO!!!!!!! At which point did you think it a good idea to give this- - to a bunch of lassies!!!    By Eru you are young and naive aren't you?! You've basically given them a nagging emoticon!!! }}}}}}}}

Did someone mention awards?

{{{{Bollocks!!! }}}}}

Pettytyrant101 wrote:{{{{{{{ELDO!!!!!!! At which point did you think it a good idea to give this- - to a bunch of lassies!!!    By Eru you are young and naive aren't you?!  You've basically given them a nagging emoticon!!!   }}}}}}}}

I think nagging is a pretty gender-neutral activity here on Forumshire, considering it was Halfy and I who wanted this emoticon.

Or maybe we're just more in touch with our feminine sides.

Well yes , but maybe if you and Halfy dressed properly, in a respectable kilt with extra buckie flaps, you might be a bit more manly

I dont know where you get the idea, Petty, that this is a nagging emoticon, as if ??

Um, you know how this was going to be in 3 parts, well here's part 3, but there will be a part 4!

Spoiler:

The Three Little Ambassadors soon found themselves before the address on the card. They were standing at the end of a leafy lane in Upper Needlehole.

Before them a gentle rise of hill rolled upwards, its lower slopes overlooking and leading down into Russet Bog whose drooping willow trees heavy with beards of moss, fading yellowing reeds and strands of ribbon mist melted off into the hazy horizon.

The Ambassadors eyed the residence before them. It took some time.

“He doesn't do things by halves this Odo Banks,” Figg said with an impressed whistle and after a moments consideration.

It was not that the hole before them was particularly ornate or lavish, indeed it was quite rustic, traditional even, well ordered, neatly arranged and very respectable. It was just that it was not so much a hole as a smial, taking up most of the upper part of the hill, dominating the surrounds and with an extensive garden which took up most of the slope on the side which overlooked the Bog.

The garden had a high hedge surrounding it from behind which there came at indiscreet intervals as they approached the front door a parade of odd noises; whooshings and gurglings and every so often a loud clank and a bellow of steam that rose in a perfectly round cloud into the blue sky before dissipating against the light.

“Odo Banks esq,” Amarie corrected Figg, glancing down at the card, “Businessman, Entrepreneur, Real Estate Agent,” she paused as she deftly flicked the card over and continued reading off the back, “Sixth Form Instructor, Building Merchandiser, Coal Supplier, Preacher of Eru and all your Jelly needs,” she finished finally, her eyes watering from straining to read the tiny print.

“Well surely with all that to his name he can help us build residencies of stone that even a crabbit Scotshobbit cannot destroy,” Leelee said with a firm nod and stepping up the few shallow steps to the large round front door she tugged on the bell chain.

A series of bells rang within the hole and eventually the door was opened by a rather flustered looking chap with a head of neat wavy hair, a pencil tucked behind one ear, a cravat round his neck and a pile of ledgers in one arm that threatened to spill from his grasp at any moment onto the polished wooden floor of the hallway.

“Yes!” the exasperated face said,”Look I'm sorry I'm not really the doorhobbit I was just passing on my way to the study, but can I help you? I'm Blue.”

“I'm sorry to hear that,” Figg said sympathetically, “hope you cheer up soon. Chin up old chap.”

Blue looked at her confused for a moment, “No, my name is Blue,” he clarified, "short for Bluebottle."

"Probably for the best then," Figg replied.

"what is it you want?" Blue asked slightly tetchily, his workload playing on his mind.

Amarie introduced herself and the others, explaining that they wished to see Mr Banks.

“Ambassadors!” Blue cried upon hearing who they were and immediately tried to shake their hands all at once resulting in his ledgers thumping one after the other to the floor, “never mind those, “ he said dismissively, “I can't make head nor tails of them anyway. But I am sure Mr Banks will be happy to see you, on any other day, but I am afraid he is in his garden shed at the moment, with his jelly.”

“Well could you tell him where are here?” Amarie asked sweetly.

Blue's face went white, “Noooo,” he said slowly, “Mr Banks can be very particular about his jelly days. However he is also a very officious sort of hobbit and likes things done by the rules. So he left instructions of what to do in the event of important visitors arriving whilst he is with his jelly. Maybe it will say something which will help.”

The Ambassadors shot glances at one another as Blue scurried off into a side room and returned a moment later with a sheaf of letters which he quickly flicked through, discarding the wrong ones to the floor to join the ledgers.

“Aha!” Blue cried and opened up a yellowing letter and quickly read it, “Well it seems that under no circumstances is Mr Banks to be disturbed on his jelly days, ah here's the caveats: unless Petty steals the coal scuttle, mmmmm” he said as he read through some more, “or the Dark Planet attacks again, mmmmm, left the country if its Admins tax department, mmmmm, sorry it doesn't mention Ambassadors, oh wait a moment,” he scanned further down the letter to its bottom, “seems there is special provision that if any hobbit ladies every turn up, they are to be granted immediate entry to the jelly shed,” Blue looked up from the letter, “well that's a bit of good news.”

“Why do I have a feeling in my water its not really?” Figg muttered suspiciously.

Blue led them through the many passages and tunnels of the hole before they finally emerged out a large round door into the gardens.

Flowers peaked form the beds, a riot of colours. Ivy clambered over the turf walls and the well tended grass of the lawn was just the right length and colour to be perfectly respectable.

At the bottom of the garden stood a large shed from which various pipes and hoses entered and exited. A large round tank, like a huge drum sat beside it making glooping noises.

“You will find Mr Banks in there,” Blue indicated the shed, “I have to go back to the ledgers and try to make some sense of them,” he said with a worried little frown before taking his leave and returning inside.

The Three Little ambassadors made their way down the chalk garden path, which was lined with large white stones and Amarie knocked on the door.

There was no response.

She knocked again louder and this time the door flew open.

An apparition was before them, it was wearing a long white coat, not unlike a lab coat, and its head was covered in a dark visor. But as the head was so tall and the face so long the visor barely made it down to the eyes which where anyway hidden behind a pair of glasses that sat awkwardly squashed beneath the visor.

“I told you to never disturb me!” the figure yelled at them, then flicked up the tiny visor and stared at them out of small black pupils, “my apologies good ladies. I am Odo Banks Esq, do forgive my manners, please do come into my jelly shed.”

He beckoned them in and slightly hesitantly they followed. The large wooden door slammed shut behind them.

Inside the shed the light was dim, coming from two yellow oil lamps one at either end, suspended from the beams overhead.

Under one light, near the door was a large shallow pool, a wide pipe fed down into it from a huge rattling machine that took up most of the rear of the shed.
The pool was three-quarters filled with a gelatinous ruby coloured liquid.

“What can I do for you three lovely ladies, “ Odo asked rubbing his hands together.

“That's three lovely Ambassadors,” Amarie replied stiffly, “and we were told you could help us.”

“Why of course, Ambassador, how might I help you?” Odo said smoothly not missing a beat.

“We are looking for residencies,” Figg put in.

“I have the finest selection of holes in all Forumshire,” Odo said, and threw off his lab coat to reveal a very neat pinstriped business suit beneath, “I have warm holes, damp holes, squidgy holes and tight holes, wide holes and big holes, holes for one and double holes for two and double the fun, and,” he leant in close as if telling them a secret, “For a special price I can offer you my furry hole, lined with the finest in troll fur.”

“No, no,” Figg said, “we aren't looking to buy some of your holes.”

Disappointment slid over Odo's face from top to bottom, which took about thirty seconds.

“What we want,” Amarie said, “is to build our own residencies.”

“Out of stone,” Leelee clarified.

“And we want to buy the stone and stuff to do it with from you,” Figg finished explaining.

“Oh well in that case you are in the wrong place,” Odo said,”you need Odo banks Building Merchandise.”

“Isn't that also you?” Amarie said.

“Well, yes,” Odo admitted, “But not here. I mean it wouldn't be proper to discuss matters of the building trade here and not at the Builders Yard. What would the neighbours think? Things have to be done properly you know,” he said with an admonishing wag of his long finger at them, “Now I shall have to think, I'm sorry but you are crowding me,” he said suddenly waving his hands at the Three Little Ambassadors, “could you just step back a little whilst I work out how much stone you will need. I just cannot think when crowded by ladies. It plays havoc with my counting process.”

They shrugged but obliged and took a few steps back.

“No, further,” Odo said waving them further back towards the door and the pool of wobbling jelly, “just a bit more, yes, little more, left a bit, bit more, that's better,” he said as Leelee felt the back of her knees bump into the edge of the pool, “Yes I can think much better now.”

“You know,” Figg, who was closest to the door, mused, “if someone were to open that door suddenly it would hit me right in the face, knock me backwards into you,” she said turning to Amarie, “and you into Leelee, and all three of us would end up in that pool of jelly.”

Just then the door was flung open and Blue burst in.

The door smacked Figg in the face and with a cry of pain and anger she fell backwards into Amarie, who fell into Leelee and with a gloop all three fell backwards into the pool.

“Oh my!” Odo cried, “My jelly! How terrible!”

He rushed over beside the horrified Blue and shouted encouragingly at the three slipping and foundering Ambassadors coated in bright red translucent jelly, “I'm a afraid you will just have to struggle over each other to get out.”

He turned to Blue,” See what you've done? I should fire you!" he glanced back at the pool where the jelly was sticking to the Ambassadors and their clothes in a way which made his eyes water and his forehead flush, "But I feel I can be generous in this instance. What is it you want anyway?”

“It's these ledgers, the figures for the jelly tax returns, they don't add up,” Blue said worried.

“Well I pay you to make them add up,” Odo retorted angrily.

“Yes, about that, you do know I am a lawyer and not an accountant don't you?”

“I already have lawyers, Angmar and Sons,” Odo said turning back to the jelly pool where the Three Little Ambassadors were trying to stay afloat by clambering over each other to reach the edge, “And every company needs a fall guy,” Odo added under his breath.

“I'm sorry what did you just say?” Blue stammered his previous worry now escalating towards crisis.

“That's the way Ambassador Figg, pull yourself up on Ambassador Leelee's shirt,” Odo cried encouragingly.

“But about the ledgers,” Blue insisted.

“Don't you worry about that,” Odo reassured, “just make sure you put your signature on the bottom, there's a good chap. And fetch some towels,” he added with a glance at the pool where three increasingly irritated yet oddly attractive jelly coated Ambassadors were slipping and sliding their way to the edge, “And call my trap round, we are going to see Biffo about some stone.”

He turned back to the pool where Ambassador Figg's face, red with jelly and redder with fury hauled itself into view over the edge her hands grasping the sides firmly, "Why don't be so concerned my dear Ambassador," Odo smiled at her, "I am sure I can still save some of the jelly."

Cheers Azriel and Halfy- hopefully get the rest up tomorrow some time, as I'm working an early so with any luck will have the time.

jelly sheds are not respectable

Amazing, Petty! I don't want it to end with the next installment either.  I've spent so much time pouring over notes for more serious and "epic" versions of Forumshire tales (which are good in their own way) that I'd forgotten just how much fun the fully whimsical version is.

Um, you know how I said this was definitely going to be in 3 parts, and then definitely 4. Well um, it may be more than 4....



The yellow light of day was fading into the pale oranges of an early Autumnal evening by the time Odo's cart, laden with its Ambassadorial trio arrived at what appeared to be a large quarry.

The cart rocked between too immense stone pillars above which a wooden sign high overhead proclaimed in crudely written painted letters: 'Biffo Banks Stones and Other Rocky Shit I find in My Hole' and in much larger neat golden letters below: 'A Subsidiary of Odo Banks Enterprises- we've the hole to fit all your needs-discount on damp ones!' and lastly, in slightly smaller lettering, 'Cheap One-way tickets to Ozhobbitstan!'

Figg looked back the way they had come, “You know she said,” musing and with that special frown on her face that the others had learned meant she had spotted something which might require an argument, “you know,” she repeated, “it seems to have taken us an awful long time to get here. It feels like at least a fortnight.”

“Now Ambassador Figg,” Odo admonished as he drew the cart to a slow halt, “don't you go getting all existential or meta or some other disreputable thing on us by Eru, this isn't a Wholesome Tale you know, you can tell because of how often the author draws attention to the size of my head,” Odo added with a growl, sweating with annoyance and moping his brow with a small spongy paint roller which had a three foot extendable handle and so was ideal for the job, “Lets just get your stone or this story will never draw to an end.”

“Yes well while I've got the chance,” Figg replied squaring her bustle, “I'm not to happy with the cart being described as 'laden' in the first sentence either. Bloody misogynist,” she scowled.

Odo turned wearily from the Three Little Ambassadors thinking that he would be very glad to get back to his jelly and the reliable way it wobbled, he shouted “Biffo! Biffo!” with his long slender hands curved round his narrow mouth.

From a hole in the centre of the quarry a figure emerged of hair and masculinity and in equal measure overpowering.

Figg gasped involuntary at the sheer muscular masculinity of the creature then chastised herself for it and choose instead to be horrified by his unkempt nature and approaching smell and was much happier with herself for the decision.

Ambassador Leelee swayed slightly on her feet, remembered she was a respectable Ambassador from the Dark Planet and that she could be sweet, nice and polite and under control to anyone, from any part of society, however overpowering, so long as they did not mind her stealing all their Lore for Taz. Or in fact even if they did mind. That thought reassured her. It always did.

Ambassador Amarie, with years of professionalism on her side strode forward to greet the figure as it approached . It walked with an odd rolling gait, but as he lumbered up to her it took all her powers of Ambassadorial serenity not to both gag on the stench and leap on him.

“Ah Biffo!” said Odo through a nasal twang, having prepared himself with a nose plug.

Figg stared at him amazed as she had not not thought Odo possessed a nose until now, but then she reasoned he must do or his glasses would fall off.

“Ooze us thun Nucle?” the creature called Biffo said and Amarie was impressed at the way he  seemed to be attempting speech.
But to her surprise Odo seemed to act just as if the creature had spoken actual words.

“These are the Three Little Ambassadors,” Odo explained to Biffo, “They have need of some stone to build their ambassadorial residences- government prices, “ he added with a double raised eyebrow.

“Thus a boog ooordur, threy o thum?”

“Yes, all three of them. Do you have enough stone?”

“Ull lukk in mu bug durk hull,” Biffo said and turned and waddled off back the way he had come.

The Three Little Ambassadors turned to Odo with blank expressions, “He has gone to see if he has enough stone in his big black hole,” Odo translated for them with a cheery smile.

“Is that a racist gag?” Figg queried with a frown peering after Biffo in case there was a glimpse of his big black hole.

“I don't think so,” Odo said with a worried frown, “its where Biffo mines and stores his stone, come see,” he said and followed after Biffo with the Three Little Ambassadors trailing behind him.

A short distance away they saw before them a massive black hole opening in the ground. Ladders and walkways criss-crossed it and disappeared down into its unmarked depths.

Cautiously Leelee peered down into the hole, there was no sign of the bottom, “How deep is it?” she asked.

“Ozhobbitstan,” Odo replied promptly.

“Pardon?” Amarie said.

“It goes all the way down to Ozhobbitstan, on the underside of Forumshire.,” Odo explained, “It wasn't suppose to of course, but Biffo in his eagerness for mining got a bit carried away one day, and well it doesn't half save on the eagle business flights and its a profitable side earner outside of the tax laws,” he added with a shrug and a smile,”Ah here he comes, step back ladies!” Odo said, pointing down into the big black hole and waving the Three Little Ambassadors back.

Two immense piles of stone began to emerge from the hole, several tons worth piled up in two immense heaps.
As the stone came up out of the hole they saw that beneath the huge stacks was Biffo, holding an immense pile and weight in each hand.

“Ere yur gur,” Biffo said grinning at them, “Thur hussies wooth” Biffo said.

Figg's mouth set in a suspicious line that was prepared at a moments notice to break into an angry one, “Did he just call us hussies?” she demanded.

“What?” Odo said, moping his brow with his roller on full extension, “certainly not, why I don't know how anyone could picture the three of you as hussies of any sort,” he sweated some more and rolled some more, “not even if they were trying very hard.” More rolling.

Figg frowned at that, not sure now if it was a compliment or a backhanded insult.

“Wur yoor woon oot? Biffo interrupted grunting slightly beneath his load.

“I have no idea,” Odo replied, “But I shall endeavour to find out,” he turned to the Three Little Ambassadors, “Where would you like it delivered to?”

“I think it might be best just to have our residences in Needlehole, it seems safest there,” Amarie said wisely.

“Yes, as far away from that crabbit faced Scotshobbit as possible,” Leelee added in agreement.

“What?!” Figg exploded, her bustle all a quiver with indignant disbelief, “you are going to let that arrogant, stubborn, unfeeling, drunken, hairy-arsed Scotshobbit beat us? I don't know how they do things on the Dark Planet but in Bree we kick arse, especially crabbit Scotshobbit arse. I say we build our Embassies right next to his barrel.”

“I am not sure that is a wise idea,” Odo unwisely ventured.

Figg spun on him and stalked towards him.

Odo backed off, retreating from her scowl as if it were an oncoming cart, one full of very angry people waving pitchforks.

“When I want your opinion,” Figg said still advancing and Odo still backing off until he felt the warm air blowing up from big dark hole (for odd Forumshirian reasons this was because it was currently spring in Ozhobbitonstan) and he realised he was at its edge.

He stopped, which meant Figg was now directly in-front of him. The cart had arrived and all the angry people were getting out.
For a brief moment he contemplated jumping.

“If I want your opinion,” Figg repeated tetchily marshalling all the angry people into one precise series of angry words, “I will write you a letter, get a ladder and deliver it directly to your brain through your ear hole!”

“Yes, yes of course,” Odo said teetering both in voice and on the edge of the big, black hole.

“And this,” Figg said with slow relish, lifting one delicate hand up before her face and letting the angry people do as they please she gently nudged Odo in the chest just hard enough to push him backwards off balance, “is for the Jelly Bath!”

With a long trailing cry of “That was not very respectable for an Ambassador! I haven't even bought a ticket” Odo tumbled backwards into the hole and disappeared into the darkness below.

Figg stalked back to her fellow Ambassadors who were standing open jawed, they clamped them closed as Figg approached.

“Well?” Figg demanded on arrival.

“Next to Petty's barrel it is then,” Amarie said nodding briskly.

“Yes, yes, lovely spot,” Leelee hastily agreed.

Biffo who despite his immense strength was sagging a little beneath the weight of his immense rock piles was still waiting patiently by.

“Deliver those next to Petty's barrel, about four miles that way I think,” Figg said to Biffo, “Understand?”

Biffo nodded with such a grimace on his face that it was clear he did understand, with a grunt of effort he shambled off, piles of stone gently swaying until eventually they slowly sank away over the ridge of the hill.

Getting into Odo's cart, with Amarie taking the reigns and Figg's bustle most of the back so Leelee had to sit up front beside Amarie the Three Little Ambassadors set off following Biffo out of the quarry, over the ridge of the hill and out of sight into the falling evening light and so into a Forumshire dusk of possibilities.

“Yes well while I've got the chance,” Figg replied squaring her bustle, “I'm not to happy with the cart being described as 'laden' in the first sentence either. Bloody misogynist,” she scowled.

too right!

The ongoing Odo head size jokes had me rolling.

I could never complain about getting more Forumshire tales from Petty. Just don't keep us waiting too long.

Awww... They'll be neighbours and argue forever. How sweet!

This is great, I'm glad it's not over yet.

Odo Banks and jelly (where the Three Little Ambassadors just had to end up! ) and a three part tale that was four and will be more.    Now this is Forumshire Entertainment writ large!    But oooh the audacity!

When these stories start I never want them to end !