NotP -YOUR paper!

[img]

We value you, dear customer, and not just as potentail revenue. You are as much a part of our family as any member of the NotP staff (but without any wages and we won't be inviting you to the xmas party).

So WE need YOU! In our constant efforts to increase the flow of buckie from brewers to our mouths we want your letters. Got a problem write to Dear Jane. Spooked by a dream, write to our Dream Guru. Or if you have any suggestions or articles you would like to see covered let us know here (there is no financial reward for doing so just the satisfaction of knowing youve made some old hacks jobs a lot easier and given them more time for drinking)

Audio feed recorded by the NotP news Editors security device- a dwarf hidden in a pot plant.

"Hello! Are you the news editor?"

"*@*! off"

"Pardon? Its only the crabbit drunken girl at the desk said, eventually after she had been sick and cried for a bit, that you were the news editor. I've got this story you see."

"Oh, do you, do you *#!**@! have a story?

"Um yes, its the wife you see, she thinks dwarves peer in at her at nights through the curtains.."

"#@!* 'em! Want some buckie?"

"No, thankyou. I don't drink, I'm a follower of Odo Banks' Road to Respectibility. But as I was saying, the dwarves peering in. So we got one of those new fangled palanatir security systems, from Valinor Securicom."

"Well good for you! Good for #*@!*@# you! Have a drink! Go on, have a #*!#@** drink"

"Really no, the thing is it wasn't dwarves creping about behind our hole. It was that Porgy Banks, and do you know who she was with? I have the pictures to prove it."

"I could not give a flying nazguls @#!#- we are on strike. Had enough. Why is this bottle empty? Did you drink my buckie?"

"What no! I came to give you a story, a scoop, about Porgy and.."

"Story! #*#!*@ story! Don't make me laugh. Do you know what we got for this Sunday's issue? I'll tell you what we got. We got @!#@# all! Thats what we've got. Noone cares. Jane, poor Jane, in the basement, with a wee drink, sobbing. Story! You *~!* Not one problem she's been sent, not one! And the Gaffer, poor old Gaffer, his first appearence, waitng years for a crack at it- and what's he got- go on guess. I said #@!*# guess!"

"Um, @!#* all by any slim chance?"

"Are you taking the piss? Because if you are I've got this!"

"Now there's no need for that. Put down he crossbow, please. I just came to give a scoop!"

"No @~*!~*@ dreams need interpreted. No one has any !@*@!*@@ problems needing solved. No letters, no suggestions, no newspaper, no wages no @#!**@#! buckie!"

"Please careful with that crossbow. Arghhhh......"

NotP will be unavailable for an unknow period due to technical reasons and will return when there is actual work to do rather than just drinking buckie until manslaughter inevitably occurs. We apologize for the inconvience but it's your own fault not ours. NotP.
Position for news editor now available.

NotP DROWNS IN IT'S OWN BUCKIE

EDITORIAL
by ODO R BANKS, Esquire.

News is in from a reliable source that a certain disreputable unreliable ridiculously rambuctious small town rag has fallen into difficulties. Buckie! To much buckie! This, of course, is Good News for decent Forumshire folk who have long held NotP (and it's hideous sister rag that I won't grace the dignity of naming) in utter disregard. Good riddance, we at the Respectable Bugle say. Good riddance.

I am minded of some fine channelling of Wisey Banks, our Arts Editor:

"If you want to scoff the buckie -
It goes the same for duckie -
You'll end up in the mire -
I heard it on the wire."

from "The Admonitions of Errol Flynn."

Mind, both those sordid Scotshobbit rags started in the mire and have but descended homeward!

Good riddance I say.

An elephant never forgets.

Ah! The memories!