what sort of jokes can I get away with? [2]

was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

Noah went to see God to ask him for a new and improved 'ark'. "Ok Noah. I think it is time you had a new ark", God said. "Take a seat, tell me your ideas, and I'll start a design". "Well, firstly, I'd like it to have plenty of floors. Say, 5 or 6", Noah said. "Ok... 5 or 6 floors" "I'd also like some spaces on the floors as well, to keep things in."
"Right, spaces." And with this God starts drawing a few designs for Noah. "Would you like some extra animals in there?" God asked him. "Erm... Fish!" Noah replied. "Fish. Ok. What sort? Any in particular?"

"Carp, and plenty of them", Noah said. "You can't have enough carp" Anything else needed on top of the usual two of everything?" God asked. "No", said Noah, "Just as long as it's got loads of carp".

And they went through various items such as the colour, doors, windows, etc. Finally, between them both they'd come up with a design that they both agreed on. Sitting back in his chair admiring the new 'ark', God asked Noah, "So, what are you going to call it? Have you thought of anything?" "Well God. I thought I'd call it 'Noah's Multi-Story Carp Ark'

I had a dog called Minton once. He ate all my shuttlecocks.......

......bad Minton!

Four guys have been going to the same Golfing trip to the Algarve for many years.

Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going.
Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later, the three get to the Algarve only to find Jack sitting at the beach with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.

"Shit Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night.



Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?" I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.



She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading 50 Shades of Grey......

On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

And then she said, "Do whatever you want."

So, Here I am!

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken!”

 

  

  

 

Gordon Bennett!   

Shut the f...ront door.

I guess one shouldn't make jokes about such matters, but given the thread's name, why not

The "Crimea river" one gets me every time.