The Magical Not That Far Away Tree

THE MAGICAL NOT THAT FAR AWAY TREE by Orwell Blyton


1


Once upon a time there were four children named Fanny, Dick, Chastity and Randy. During the Great War their parent's sent them to a country estate in Devon, and while the estate was directly surrounded by wide green fields, the greater circumferance was taken up by miles and miles of natural woodland. The woodland had not changed much since King Alfred was a boy and not far inside it's eaves there was a Magical Not that Far Away Tree, but I shouldn't get too far ahead of myself. When the children got off the steam train from Barnsley, they stood on the platform of Barrowdown Station amid their suitcases, squinting in the bright sunshine of summer.

"Oh what an absolutely cracking adventure this'll be," Randy said as he stretched his back after the long rail journey. "This is already such a refreshing change from our drab suburb and smoke stacks, and I can't wait to trap my first beaver."

"Oh what is it with you and beavers," Fanny laughed. "And anyway, Randy, how many times must I tell you: beavers live in America, not England."

They all had a good laugh over that.

"I dare say it's genetic," Randy said. "Daddy tells me he became fascinated with beavers at my age, and he's never got over it."

"Isn't your father a naturalist?" Chastity asked.

"He runs a nudist farm, if that's what you mean."

"Oh look!" Fanny exclaimed. "There's a fabulous Rolls Royce pulling into the carpark."

"It looks like an old man driving," Chastity proclaimed, squinting in the sun. "I wonder if it's Lord Odovacar."

The old man wound down his driver side window and called, "Telly ho, people. Snip snap! Grab up your goodies and throw 'em in the trunk. One of you girls can jump in the front seat after that, and the other three in the back.

They were very respectable children and they did exactly what their elder told them.

Chastity, being the older girl - sixteen and half, just so the reader knows! - climbed into the front seat while the others piled into the back.

Up close, the old man did not look as old as they had first thought, though he had some grey in his hair, and jowls, though not too jowly, and a bit of a beer pot around the midriff. He smelled strongly of aftershave - with a hint of sherry - and he had lots of gold jewellery, rings and necklaces. Indeed, he looked just like the kind of landed middleaged gentleman you'd see going into a Rural Country Club with a much younger lady on his arm, presumably his daughter. Chastity was put at ease immediately. He did seem just the kind of person who a young lady (or gentleman) could feel completely safe with, someone who clearly thought appearances were very important; his clothes immaculate, his fingernails trim and clean; his jewellery, though rather clunky and unfashionable, reeked of material wealth.

"And what's your name, lass?" Lord Odovacar asked with a charming smile.

"Chastity, Lord Odovacar."

"Well, well, well, and what a lovely name that is. But dispense with formalities, my dear girl, you must call be Uncle Oddy. All of you, it's Uncle Oddy."

"Oh what a lovely gentleman he seems," Randy whispered to Fanny and Dick.

"Now, children, no need to whisper. Tell me. What pray tell are your names?"

"Fanny, Uncle Oddy."

"Dick, Uncle Oddy."

"Randy, Uncle Oddy."

"Well, how absolutely spiffing, " Lord Odovacar (sorry, 'Uncle Oddy') commented and gave them the benefit of his charming smile again. "Yes. I think we'll be having a spiffing good time of it in no time at all."



to be continued...

"I dare say it's genetic," Randy said. "Daddy tells me he became fascinated by beavers at my age, and he's never got over it."

tsk tsk Beavers? there will be talking Beavers next you just watch. Or Beavers that have just been Beaving and are still damp with perspiration.

My goodness! I'm sure I have absolutely no idea what you're talking about, Mrs Figg. Though who knows what those rather spiffing children will find up the top of the tree?

Ooh, I need to read this, just as soon as I finish the last few sections of The Secretive Seven.

I bet you never even knew Enid Blyton had a nephew keeping up the family story writing tradition, did you, Eldo? {{{At least I'm assuming Orwell Blyton is her nephew... }}}

Beavers Beave they go about Beaving, and they get wet, they like making erections under water which they hide in, and eat if theres nothing else lying around. tsk tsk everybody knows that.

Actually I don't think I'd ever heard of Enid Blyton before. My exposure to British children's literature while growing up was, as I've mentioned in other threads, rather limited.

On an unrelated note, these stories are making me wonder if "Halfy Doo, Where Are You?" is ever going to resume.

these stories are making me wonder if "Halfy Doo, Where Are You?" is ever going to resume.- Eldo

Ummm, maybe...

It had better!

{{{Man, it feels so good to be on the other side of this conversation! }}}

I'm not one to complain, Eldo, as you know only too well, and I'm sorry if I sound a little pompous here, but Mr Blyton tells me when he got home from work last nght (it's 8.05am as I write) he tried to post a brilliantly spontaneous new chapter of this (potentially) wonderful story (a children's story for all ages, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do), he lost the whole bloody thing! The Forum was too busy or something, then poof! it was gone! Talk about kill a man's inspiration! Anyway, Mr Blyton wanted to tell you that, as he, like me, assumes it's an Admin problem if anything bad happens here*, and you're our Admin, so there you have it, and I've said it!


Oh yes, and Mrs Figg, your knowledge of beavers seems encylopaedic! I must chase you up sometime and learn more. 'Hands on', my Father always used to say, that's the way to truly learn about something, 'hands on.' Another was, 'if you're not prepared to get your fingers sticky, you'll never be any use in a glue factory.' (Come to think of it, my Father has some very arcane ideas, what! )


*Of courrse, if anything good happens, you'd be the last person I'd blame, Eldo, 'cause that's only fair and balanced, I feel. .

Pettytyrant101 wrote:these stories are making me wonder if "Halfy Doo, Where Are You?" is ever going to resume.- Eldo

Ummm, maybe...

Have I missed something?

Maybe.

http://www.hobbitmovieforum.com/t630-halfy-doo-where-are-you

Well Mr Blyton, I got in touch with the Admin and his official advice is to write stories in a word processor and save regularly before posting them. Either that, or use a browser that saves information you've entered in text boxes even if you click away and then return to the page.

my knowledge of Beavers is almost as encyclopaedic as admins knowledge of handy tips for not throwing UR 'puter out the window in frustration.
btw Beaver oil is almost as viscous as eel oil, so try it out on UR bike, it'll crank that shaft and whirr those wheels.

THE MAGICAL NOT THAT FAR AWAY TREE


2



Chastity decided Uncle Oddy was one of the most affectionate older gentlemen she had ever encountered. Oh how easily he chatted with her as he drove along with one hand on the steering wheel and the other squeezing her knee in an Unclelee fashion. Interestingly, as they drove the country lanes, much of his talk was of wildlife, and mainly beavers, which came up often in conversation in 1943 (apparently); but he spoke also of railroad construction, especially of trains and tunnels, a subject that made Uncle Oddy's eyes glint and gleam with pleasure, and which he kept coming back to, even when he was talking about beavers or other unrelated matters.

"You must absolutely adore trains and tunnels, Uncle Oddy!" Fanny averred at last from the back seat where she sat between Dick and Randy.

Uncle Oddy viewed her carefullly through the rear vision mirror. "Oh yes, dear, and well, well, well, what a pretty dress you have there."

Fanny did not know quite why, but she had a sudden urge to press her knees even closer together than they already were.

At last, they pulled off a narrow lane and into a gravel drive. Immediately after, the Rolls passed between two brick pillars with lions on them.

"Is that Aslan, do you think?" Dick asked.

"Don't be stupid," Randy laughed.

"What's stupid?" Chastity asked turning around in her seat. "They could be statues of Aslan."

"No, no, no," Uncle Oddy laughed. "I know something of these things, being fond of old tales. Aslan, you see, belongs to a totally different serial." And he allowed his hand to slide just a little further up Chastity's skirt, to squeeze her thigh affectionately.

"You seem to know just about everything," Chastity smiled across at him.

"Well, well, well," that older gentleman smiled back. "I shouldn't like to brag, but I have been around the estate once or twice."

"Oh look at that gorgeous house!" Chastity exclaimed, having turned back to look through the windscreen again. And it was a gorgeous house. At the end of the white gravel drive it stood, a great huge gorgeous Georgian house with lattice windows and wonderful Doric pillars and an elaborate Grecian portico.

"Oh I bet it's wonderful warm and comfortable inside," Chastity exclaimed joyfully.

"Indubtitably," Uncle Oddy smiled, and his hand slipped a mite futher north to affectionately squeeze her upper thigh.

"Oh how queer!" Chastity gasped, freezing.

"What! Oh no dear... you surely misunderstand...." and Uncle Oddy withdrew his wrinkled hand.

"What kind of beast is he?" Dick demanded to know in a shocked tone.

"Steady on, lad. Let's not jump to conclusions..."

"Filthy!" Fanny squealed. "Absolutely!"

"Now dear..."

"Who is he?" Chastity wanted to know.

"Pardon dear?"

"That ball of hair bounding dementedly across your mainicured lawns. Is it even human?"

"Oh him," Uncle Oddy laughed. "That's my batman Petty MacDougall."

"Is he wearing a skirt?" Dick wanted to know, quite shocked.

"No, it's a kilt..." Fanny said, "A mini-kilt actually, the kind that only the truly impoverished wear, apparently!"

"Eeeeewwwww! He looks like he's come straight out of a Wholesome Tale!" Chastity said faintly. "He's revolting."

"Yes, they do have that tendancy," Uncle Oddy concurred. "But he's fairly tame, as Scots go; though his knowledge of the King's English is frankly rudimentary."

The curious hairy creature - who on closer inspection could not be mistaken for anything but a Scot - came up to the passenger window and peered directly in at Chastity's bare knees. "Ooh ock that noo nelly, my bonnie pretty boo-boo!"

"Make him go away, the filthy old pervert!"

"He's not that old," Uncle Oddy explained judiciously. "Hey-ho, Petty my man! Off you go laddie! Snip snap! Meets us up at the house. You can help with the children's suitcases."

The Scot bounded off again, and if Chastity didn't know better, she swore he was glancing back at her and licking his chops.

"I don't want him touching my suitcase!" Chastity complained. "He makes me feel all dirty and contaminated."

"That's Scots for you," Dick fairly growled.

"Never mind him," Uncle Oddy said calmingly, as he affectionately took up squeezing Chastity's knee again. "If you like, I'll take up your suitcase myself. Indeed! I think I must put you up in the maid's quarters next to my bedroom. That way you'll feel safer, I'm sure. That rascally Scot seems to have upset you terribly and I'd hate to think I was not nearby, especially in the middle of the night, to give you some old fashioned reassurance."

"How lovely and kind and thoughtful you are, Uncle Oddy. You're clearly an old fashioned gentleman and a Tory through and through."

"You don't know the half of it, dear child."

By then they had pulled up outside the great house. Petty MacDougall was waiting pantingly under the portico. The children climbed out and Dick and Randy took a step forward and said sternly, "Hey, you hairy devil-navvy! Take up our suitcases, what!"

"Ock tha noo, cooby slit tha kracken, foojata, jabbajabba, ock tha noo!"

"What in good name is he saying?"

"Something about disembowelling the English," Uncle Oddy said, as he reasurringly rubbed Chastity's back through her pullover, lingering briefly and affectionately over her bra strap. "I've rarely seen him carry out his threats though, so you mustn't mind what he says, boys. Now, Petty, snip snap. Grab the young gentlemen's suitcases. Off with you.. And put away that silly dagger, will you, it sets a bad impression."

"Grrrr gorbychov!" Petty grated, his beady eyes ablaze. "Nock nelly, dejingo me bonnies!" But for all that, the wild eyed Scot hoisted the boys' suitcases and was gone.

"Well-well-well, well," Uncle Oddy said with a fatalistic shrug, "What with the War and all, and the loss of the cream of the English working classes, it's a bugger getting good help nowadays!"

"Oh Uncle Oddy," Chastity said instantly, and took both Uncle Oddy's hands in her own. "I hope you don't think I was being fearfully horrid."

"Well, well, well-well, well, dear girl. Not at all. Never!" And Uncle Oddy set his fingers to stroke her palms affectionately, which Chastity took to mean that no harm had been done and that her relationship with Uncle Oddy was going to be just absolutely fabulous.

to be continued...

Eldorion wrote:Well Mr Blyton, I got in touch with the Admin and his official advice is to write stories in a word processor and save regularly before posting them. Either that, or use a browser that saves information you've entered in text boxes even if you click away and then return to the page.

So it's Mr Blyton's fault is it! Bloomin' heck! Aint it always the way!

I wouldn't blame him; I only learned that lesson the hard way myself.

you should write in google docs

Mrs Figg wrote: my knowledge of Beavers is almost as encyclopaedic as admins knowledge of handy tips for not throwing UR 'puter out the window in frustration.
btw Beaver oil is almost as viscous as eel oil, so try it out on UR bike, it'll crank that shaft and whirr those wheels.

Enyclopaedic!

THE MAGICAL NOT THAT FAR AWAY TREE


3


Lady Julia Figg, Lord Odovacar's sister, was in the main breakfast vestible munching on a scone when her brother brought the children in to meet her.

"Hello, Sister," Uncle Oddy said as he leaned in and gave her a rather moist lingering kiss full on the lips, which was the habit among Tory families back in 1943 (and probably still is). "Mmmm... strawberry jam..."

"Would you like some, dear Oddy?"

"No, not with the children present.... Now, please to meet, Chastity, Dick, Fanny and Randy."

"Oh how nice it is to meet children with proper English names," Julia exhaled cooly. She fastened keen eyes on on Dick and Randy's trousers. "They appear in excellent condition. Those boys last year were frightfully thin and limp, what."

"Only to be sure, Julia, my love."

"I suppose they'll be off exploring the woodland in no time... I hope they don't find my tree."

"Well, Julia, to be fair, it's not your tree as such. I think it belongs to all children."

"You always say that!" Julia said quite tartly, and lit a cigarette.

As she did so, the dressing gown she wore fell open to reveal parts of her that the two boys (and Fanny) took an instant interest in.

"Oh dear," Julia said and drew the curtains (so to speak) slowly back together. "I really should have dressed by now. I mean, it must be three pm already." And she gave the two boys (and Fanny) such a look as to disarm them all. "Now children, off you go and play. I'll see you at dinner time. If you're still alive by then, that is."



****


"Wasn't she rather strange?" Chastity said to the others when they had retired to a sitting room upstairs that had been set aside for them.

"I think she was rather spiffing, actually," Dick said, sitting erectly on a poof that had been imported fom America.

"I mean, she positively showed us everything," Chastity went on. "I fear she is exactly the kind of lady - if lady is the right word - that Mother warned us about."

"Don't be a prude. She is a country lady unabashed about her body, that's all," Randy said rather defensively. "I only wish more people were like that. There is nothing wrong with the naked body."

"I would suggest that depends on the body," Dick avowed. "But I don't think Lady Julia has a body one would ever complain about."

"That's rather tactful of you to say," Randy commended him.

"I don't think, frankly, I should ever want to be untactful about anything to do with Lady Julia," Dick said carefully. "I fear she might be a lady with something of a ready-to-go temperament, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you all do." (Which only goes to show how wise a young man Dick was, don't you think?)

"What was that business about 'If you're still alive' by the way? I found that very perplexing," Chastity said.

"It's probably just one of those country sayings," Fanny commented. "You know like, 'One cow short in the upper field', and 'A pig in a poke is not ever as much fun as a poke in a pig.'"

"I can't say I'm familiar with either of those sayings," Dick frowned.

"You've lived your whole life in the suburbs, Dick, that's why," Chastity told him. "Anyway, enough of talk, let's go and visit the woods."

"Jolly-o!" Dick and Fanny and Randy cheered.




to be continued....

THE MAGICAL NOT ALL THAT FAR AWAY TREE


4


The children were lapping up the sunshine as they strolled hand in hand across manicured lawns.

"The woods look dark and eerie even in the daylight," Chastity was saying.

"I hope we're in for a solid good adventure," Randy said.

"I don't know," Dick said. "Having met Petty MacDougall, I'm not sure I want to have another adventure just now."

"Oh Dick," Fanny retorted testily. "Please don't go all stiff on us again. You always do that at the first sign of excitement. No one likes a stiff Dick!"

"Yes," Chastity rebuked her brother. "Calm yourself. I'm sure there will be no cause for worry. It's a perfectly ordinary forest I'm sure."

"Well, don't expect me to go all limp on this. I plan to be ready and alert. One of us has to stand erect. That's only sensible."

"As you will," Chastity said, rollng her eyes, as she had often seen Dick stiffen and was quite tired of it. "Oh look at that interesting chap over there. Is it a scarecrow -- no, it's a man!"

"I say," Randy said. "They appear to be vegetable gardens."

And so they were. And in the middle of them was an open-roofed shed area in which a curious gentleman was toiling at a bench. The children forgot the woods for a moment and hurried through rows of carrots and parsnips to where he worked. The curious chap saw them coming and he greeted them warmly, "Why howdee buckaroos," he said, revealing himself to be your stereotypical American. "Are youse here to see me partikklar collection?"

"Sorry, Sir," Chastity said politely. "I have no idea what you mean."

"It's me collection O prime veggittibles, it is, buckaroos. Annie get yar gun, I says. Come closer and have yee a look."

The children came to stand around the table. On it was spread a curious selection of root vegetables. Potatoes, and carrots, and parsnips, and tomatoes, and many others.

"My goodness, they have the ring of familiarity," Fanny said with some bemusement.

"Well, yessum, Mam. They be veggittibles, they be, but no common veggittibles!"

"But they look like....Oh my Lord!" Chastity whispered.

"Yeppee," the curious chap drawled. "They be shaped like somepin else. Ive been here experimentin since the last cran'bree crop failed. Ooowee, these veggitibbles be like boobies and peenyeyes, what you think, ladies? Would you be findin' any of 'em worth a tasty bite, would yee now?"

"No thank you very much," the children cried and hurried off.

"I'm beginning to think the woods might be the safest place for us," Dick commented. "I'm feeling positively limp just now!"

"That gent seems to have walked straight out of a Wholesome Tale," Fanny cried and started to giggle as they hurried toward the rear fence of the estate. "And to think, I thought that kind of American was purely imaginary. How wrong could I be!"

Very wrong, obviously.


to be continued...





"

;

blurg

Why, thankee, m'lady.

"All good children should eat their vegetables." That's what my grandma told me.

THE MAGICAL NOT THAT FAR AWAY TREE


5


"Well, I don't agree, Fanny," Chastity wa saying. "The Veggitibble Man, as you call him, was a bit too provocative for me. Or, at least, his veggittibles were. Darn tootin they was! Oh my goodness, I'm talking American now. I meant vegetables."

"They may have been provocative," Fanny demurred. "But I thought they looked ever so healthy and tasty. And fresh!"

"They were fresh all right," Dick said disdainfully.

Fanny turned a glare on him. "Be a clever dick if you want Dick, but shouldn't we take every oppportunity to eat vegetables?"

"Well, frankly you can make whatever motherhood statement you like, Fanny," Dick demurred back. "I think those veggittibles were bad news, full stop. I mean vegetables. Bloody American language is taking over. It's like a virus, by gom!"

"Never mind all that," Chastity said suddenly. "Where's this path taking us do you think?"

"And we'd know that, wouldn't we," Randy rolled his eyes. "Like as we have ever been here before." And he rolled his eyes again.

Chastity ignored him. "There's a clearing up ahead. Oh my goodness. Look at the huge tree in it! It looks like an enormmous..." but she couldn't bring herself to articulate the noun that had formed on her lips because she was a very chaste girl and all.

"I bet that American chap planted it!" Dick said, wide eyed.

"I bet you it's that tree Lady Figg talked about," Fanny put in, stunned.

"I shouldn't wonder she'd find it attractive," Dick said with a sudden grin.

"Do you see that?" Randy exhaled. "It's a door in the trunk!"

And sure enough, it was a door. And it opened. And Petty MacDougall bounded out to meet them dressed in a dish cloth. And behind him, re-arranging her dressing gown, Lady Julia Figg herself.

"Well, that's a bit unexpected," Dick commented.

Darn right it was!


to be continued...









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